My "Rose of Sharon"

I stand in utter awe and amazement tonight at our awesome God. These past 5 days have been marked with worry and exhaustion, but also with hope and provision. I am just basking and bathing in His faithfulness as I try to put words to all that has transpired. Much is on my heart, but my fatigue doesn't want to cooperate with the writing of eloquent words and smooth transitions, so grace is required of you if you choose to read further.

I went to bed really late last night and completely spent. I woke up this morning and still felt a thick layer of exhaustion cover me. As the morning hours unfolded, so did our worry for Brayden. He had not improved but seemed to be growing worse and his blood pressure was increasingly high (a new concern). It was decided by his team of doctors that a CT brain scan was in order. The "tone" of the medical staff had changed, and fear began to creep into our spirits. I don't know if I've ever been so worried before.

Brayden has been in the hospital for 5 days and Darcy and I have traded off shifts all throughout. Today was the first day we were able to be there with Brayden together all day. I've missed my husband; I've missed my kids; I've missed our family. Before Brayden's CT scan, Darcy and I knelt down on either side of his bed and prayed over him, in tears, in earnest pleading that God, the one who fully understands the love a parent has for his "one and only son," would protect and heal Brayden...that nothing would be discovered on these tests that would be of concern. At this time still, Brayden was showing no signs of improvement. He had become increasingly lethargic and it was hard to not allow my head to travel down the dangerous road of "what if's."

Last night, while on the phone with a friend, I cried out and told her that I just wanted to feel God's presence near...I wanted another gracefall. And while I could clearly see that He was using others to be His hands and feet for us, I wanted Him for myself. I wanted to experience Him directly, personally, intimately...especially in a time such as this. Why couldn't I feel His presence covering me at a time I needed it most?

One of our friends who came up to visit us at the hospital yesterday brought a goodie bag that contained a book called "Wonderful Names of our Wonderful Lord." I flipped through it that night and came upon a page that called Him "The Rose of Sharon." To be honest with you, I don't know much about how He has received this name in the Bible or what it means to us. I've heard the term before, and was even intrigued as I came across it in the book, but didn't give it much thought beyond that first glance. But God was up to something here.

After Brayden's CT scan today, the worry and fear persisted. We were in the elevator and others joined us. There was a married couple accompanied by a medical staff person who was pushing a wheelchair that was filled with the largest floral arrangement I have ever seen. It was really beautiful. So grand...and they were mentioning that they never see arrangements like this, that these types are usually ones celebrities give and receive. And as we were about to exit, out of the blue, the woman pulled a rose out of the arrangement and stepped across the elevator floor and placed it right into my hand. I was overcome with emotion right then and there because I felt like God was saying, "Here you go. You wanted Me for yourself and here I am. I am the rose of sharon. 'I take hold of your right hand and say, Do not fear, I will help you.' (Isaiah 41:13...a verse He gave me when I walked through the darkness of miscarriage a few years ago.) I couldn't hold back the tears for the rest of the walk back to Brayden's room. I held that rose and felt like I was holding the hand of God. It's fragrance sweet; it's symbolism even sweeter. And I felt His presence in a real, tangible, and intimate way. Just as I had longed and prayed for the night before.

As soon as I got into Brayden's room, I went right to that book and searched for the page that named our LORD and described Him as "The Rose of Sharon."

"I am the rose of Sharon."

Song of Solomon 2:1

It reads, "Child of God, there is no mood of the life where Jesus fails to fit thy need; to brighten as a brilliant rose thy life. In joy or sorrow, sunshine or shadow, day or night, He blooms for thee. Behold Him, then, today, not only on the Cross for thee, not only on the Throne, but near thee, close beside thy path, "The Rose of Sharon."

Awestruck. A God so big who knows our hearts, who sees us, who hears us and is willing to come down into the tiny details of our lives to remind us that He is near, that we are not alone, that He will not fail us, but will provide for our needs and bloom for thee.

As the day unfolded, it grew even sweeter than that rose. Brayden's CT scan results came back completely normal. I couldn't stop crying tears of joy with this great news. I completely attribute this to the army of prayer warriors out there who were petitioning on our behalf and a God who listened and responded. And then it seemed that with each new hour of the afternoon Brayden seemed to be improving more and more. He first began to actually stay awake and alert and not be restless in pain and nausea. The doctors tried a new medication [one that they use to treat migraine patients because they believe that this episode could have been an "abdominal migraine," which is a variant of Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome (the diagnosis they are leaning toward)]. And it seems to be working. Brayden began to sit up on his own and come evening, he asked to go down to the children's play area. Although unable to walk, his Daddy carried him down and he enjoyed a wagon ride and put together a puzzle. His appetite returned and we began making a wish list of all the foods he was craving. The joy was blooming within me as I watched and reflected on the dramatic changes that had taken place in his favor over the course of the day.

On the ride into the hospital today I was listening to my WORSHIP playlist. One of my favorite songs lately has been "Who But You" from the album "Music Inspired by The Story." It's a song told from the perspective of Abraham and the lyrics are, "I see a star. You see the Milkey Way. I see one man counting sand, but You see generations...Who but You would ever choose to dream Your dream in me. Tell me, who but You, would dare me to believe what I can't see...You alone can do the things You promised to. You are Yahweh. I'm just a man. I'm counting tiny grains of sand. Placing every promise in Your hand. Great and Mighty God, I believe. I believe You. Keeper of the stars. I believe, I believe You." And as I was driving this morning, I sang those last chorus lines with desperate hope and resolve. I was choosing to believe.

My car ride home tonight was much different than the one the night before. I warned the girls that we would be listening loudly to praise music all way home, and we did. This ride home was marked with tears just as the night before, but these tears were fragrant with joy and thanksgiving. I remember looking up into the sky last night hoping to see stars, but there were none in sight. But tonight I looked up and the dark sky was full of them. I couldn't help but think He allowed them to visibly shine tonight just for me...as a reward for believing Him and His promises. I thought of that song and thanked the Keeper of the stars for simply being God.

And then I walked into the house...and it got even sweeter. I almost immediately noticed that a few things were added on the countertops and that all of my dirty dishes were no longer sitting in my sink. My days are blurry and at first I assumed it was Darcy who did this when he came back home to nap Berlyn during one of our shift changes...but, we were both at the hospital together all day so it couldn't have been him. And then I noticed my "loving deeply friend"'s crockpot was missing and I thought..."How nice of her. She came to get her crockpot and washed my dishes for me. What a gem!" A few minutes later I went upstairs and noticed that a book that was once laying on the floor in our hall bathroom was no longer on the floor. I walked into Berlyn's room to get her pajamas and all the blankets in her crib had been folded and there was a stack of clean folded laundry on her glider. I kinda stood there in disbelief and smiled...we moved into Brooke's room and it too had been cleaned...bed made, a basket of folded laundry on the floor, toys put away. I couldn't believe it. Brayden's room...the same deal. My room, yes...it too had been redeemed. Every piece of the probably 5 or 6 loads of clean laundry that once sat in a pile on my bedroom floor had been folded. Somebody (or somebodies) came and cleaned my house for me. I cannot describe to you the love that warmed my heart at this realization. His hands and feet, humbly serving my family and caring for our every need. With nothing but a full heart of gratitude, I am speechless.

Oh Sovereign God, You are too much for me at times...overwhelming me with Your goodness. You are faithful and worthy. The problems of life that seemed insurmountable yesterday, seem to be but a drop in the bucket today. My son getting healthy and well is all that truly matters. Seeing Your Hand in this situation just makes every other worry fade. I stand amazed at the way You work through us and in us...evidences of You are everywhere; how could one not believe? It's in Your body of believers who work on Your behalf as Your hands and feet...it's in the tangible and intimate ways you reveal Yourself to me when most needed....it's in Your creation that declares Your glory. Thank You Father, for all that You are and all that You do. You do not fail.

You are my Rose of Sharon.

As the night grew closer to morning, so did the weariness that stirred within. I cried myself through the entire ride home from the hospital tonight with a lump in my throat the size of Texas, tears that would not cease, and a pain in my heart that seemed unbearable. Sobs. The kind you choke back and try to silence because you don't want your little girls to worry and you want to stay strong for them, but inside you feel you are falling apart. Unable to see the light at the end. Feeling as if our problems are mounting with no hope at all.

And then we arrived home, to a vacant, eery, quiet house...and through tear-stained eyes, I opened the door and was immediately greeted with the smell of a home-cooked meal that permeated the air from a shiny red crockpot that sat upon my kitchen counter, courtesy of a friend who loves deeply. The countertops were decorated with bags of groceries. The fridge stocked with even more. I checked my facebook messages and found an overwhelming army of support, love and prayer that perked my spirit and put a little strength into my backbone. After putting my sweet girls to bed and spending 35 precious minutes of heart-pouring conversation on the phone with a friend, I felt comforted. I dug into a delicious meal that warmed my stomach as well as my heart and I felt loved.

I reflected on the day...the answer to prayer in finding more direction toward the cause of Brayden's illness...the unexpected arrival of my sister, niece, nephew and mom as they walked into Brayden's hospital room this afternoon...the flood of tears and emotion that too easily broke loose and rushed out of me with the simple touch of a mother's much needed hug. Comfort. Heaven's gates stormed on our behalf. Family close. Friends nearby. All available to help and aid at the drop of a hat, and I was overcome with emotion.

After a bowl of beef pot roast, potatoes, and vegetables (one of my favorite comfort foods), and a sampling of homemade soup, I started to put away our "gift of grocery" and found a bag of mini oreos, opened them, and an unexpected smile painted across my face. It took me off guard. I dug in for 2nd's and 3rd's and caught that same smile reappearing. And suddenly, something inside whispered to me "everything is going to be alright." I felt the hopelessness fading, the stress a bit relieved, and the strength slowly returning.

Feeling as if maybe God has allowed this very thing to happen to us to show us how very loved we are. Gift giving: one of my love languages. I love to be the giver, the one being the blessing. Much more humbling to be on the receiving end. But perhaps this was all part of His perfect plan. To make me mature and complete, not lacking anything. To make beauty of my soul. I'll accept and receive that.

I end tonight exhausted, depleted, yet feeling blanketed in comfort, hopeful in tomorrow, and strengthened in faith.

Thank you. For being His hands and feet for us.

Good night.

Vacation to Home

The kids had all last week off for mid-winter break. We weren't able to go anywhere, so I decided to bring vacation to home...each day of the week we traveled somewhere new. I'm hoping that when they grow, they'll look back on this break with fondness and remember the fun we had together visiting many far away places right out of our very own kitchen. These sweet memories are already archived deep into my heart. Togetherness and contentment. The things that matter. Travel along with us!

Random thoughts out of the mouth of babes...

Brayden (out of nowhere, at dinner tonight), "Mom, I like your hair better when you wear it down." (note: today, my hair was worn up)

Brooke (this evening, with anxious hesitation), "Mommy, will I still live with Daddy when I grow up?" Me: "Brookie, you can live with Daddy for as long as you'd like!" Although she didn't answer with words, a big smile was painted across her face in relief.

On a more serious note, the older two have been home with me all week on break. Along with their presence, there has been an increased amount of inappropriate words coming out of their mouths that I don't particularly want their two year old sister repeating (stupid, jerk, diarrhea, etc.) While not always aimed at each other, I still don't want them repeated. I decided that my "warnings" were getting nowhere with stopping this, so I gave them an option of three possible disciplines if this is to reoccur. I repeated these three disciplines and firmly asked them, "You choose. What do you want?!" Little Berlyn innocently chimes in, "I want nice warm milk!" (as if that were one of their options). We all burst out laughing and not another "potty" word was said all night.

And while cleaning up dinner tonight, Brayden started talking about how he wants a new Wii game for Easter. In my head I am thinking, "since when do you get presents at Easter time, and how did this turn into something that's all about you?" So, I asked them, "Why do we even celebrate Easter?" And Brooke confidently answered, "Because it's Moses' birthday."

Wow! Today reminded me that my job here on earth as their mommy is far from being done. Between the messes of broken glass bowls, water spilled vases, frosting all over winter coats, and the conversations today that ensued in between, there is still much at stake and much more to clean up in regards to home and heart. I can't help but wonder what tomorrow holds?

Oh yes LORD, give me wisdom!

Daddy Daughter Dance 2012

This past Friday Brooke had a date with her Daddy.

They were to meet up with friends for an Italian dinner and then attend the Daddy Daughter Dance together.

Earlier this week Darcy lost his former boss/#1 mentor (next to his father), and good friend unexpectedly to a heart attack. Darcy and I attended the viewing together. We waited in line for almost an hour and a half at the funeral home to see the family and pay our respects (and this was even after cutting in line with Darcy's former secretary). We were there a long time with more than 500 other people who in some way or form were greatly impacted and gifted by the life of this man. Needless to say, by the time we got home, Brooke and Daddy were supposed to have met up with friends for dinner "5 minutes ago." We raced to get her ready...

and here she is, making her grand (and shy) entrance down the staircase to meet her date.

She personifies "Daddy's girl."

While they didn't make it to dinner with friends, they enjoyed a quick dinner alone at the local Coney Island. No matter to her, as long as she was in company with her Daddy.

And off to the dance they went...

She arrived home barefoot and sleeping in Daddy's arms and suitcoat.

The next morning I got to hear all of the details...macaroni and cheese dinner with a splurge of cheese fries, fun with friends all dressed up, and when asked about her favorite part of the night, it didn't take her but a second to respond, "Dancing with my Daddy!"

I'm glad she relished in this time alone with her Dad, because next year, she's most likely going to be sharing the spotlight with a boisterous, clamoring for attention, little sister...

but even then, she'll still be her "Daddy's girl."

moments to carry me through...

this week was one that was marked with emotion, and many sweet moments that have carried me through, like...

taking a bubble bath in the middle of the day with my yummy two year old.

the excitement on my 1st grader's face as she ran off the school bus to me with another toothless grin after losing her 8th tooth in the lunchroom cafeteria.

watching my 8 year old gently wrestle with his baby sister and lovingly agree to return her many eskimo kisses.

taking a moment after a long day's work to climb into bed (by invitation) with my son to talk about his day, snuggle, and pray together.

walking into my baby's bedroom at 11:00 at night to find her daddy holding and rocking her while deep in slumber because he's yet to see her awake all week and longs for precious time with her.

friends who ask questions. and listen.

beginning a new Bible study with so many extraordinary women who chase hard after the heart of God.

late night nachos on the couch with my best friend. fresh and hot out of the oven.

and yet to come...

a weekend with my sister and her beautiful family celebrating the birthdays of two of my favorite little people in this big world.

small and precious moments that whisper comfort, love, and purpose.

ones that make me feel known and cared for

and needed.

they do not go unnoticed,

but pile high treasure

on this complicated, tender, and ever-being-refined heart of mine.

Chasing

"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the Law of the LORD, and on His law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever He does prospers."

(or as The Message reads:)

Instead you thrill to God's Word,

you chew on scripture day and night.

You're a tree replanted in Eden,

bearing fresh fruit every month,

Never dropping a leaf,

always in blossom.

I'm not gonna lie. Today has been a day I'd like to toss aside and feed to the birds. I felt it coming on yesterday, thankful when the day ended because I knew new mercies were just a few hours and a pillow away. And I joyfully chased after that. But, with the dawn came a deepened awareness of my own increasing fragility.

It's been a day where struggles suffocate and discouragement makes it hard to breathe. Oh, how I beg for God to redeem this situation we find ourselves in...while at the same time faithfully attempting to be fully present and embrace the good and painful work He is doing in us in the process. I sense that He hurts to see us hurting...that He desperately wishes we could see the full plan and picture, because He knows that if we did, we would not stand in doubt or discouragement. He must think this is what's best for us right now, and I trust the One who loves us so...even on days such as this.

Ever feel like running away? All day, weepy, on the verge of tears...one small incident away from falling apart. Feels like arrows of discouragement are coming from all directions. Not a discouragement that is hopeless and despaired. Thankfully, resolve has pushed me past that point. But, in this broken world there really will be no permanent escape from discouragement until we are safe in heaven's arms.

So today, as my head said, "Run away," my heart cried louder, "Chase after Him." And that's precisely what I've done. I avoided media and cyberspace and anything that could possibly seep discouragement or envy into my fragile spirit. This meant avoiding the computer, and yes, even facebook and the glossy glamorous, yet corrupting, status updates that proclaim dreams realized and desires met and exceeded beyond expectation...and at times scream "my life is easy and always good" (or so it seems, even appears to intensify when in a state of sensitivity). Too much for this heart to handle when I am just longing, seeking, and fighting to achieve "average" and "normal."

A nice clean, healthy break. Air in my lungs...Ah, to breathe Him in.

So I've run to a place where discouragement can't possibly exist...His Word. His song. His voice. Conversing back and forth throughout my day. Beginning this very day in Psalm 5:3 fashion; "In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." I actually decided to read through the Psalms, and have started an exercise in the process (I'm sure I'll probably blog about later). And with that, encouragement has begun to shine in the dark unreachable places.

A dear intuitive, "ever listening and hearing the stir and voice of the Spirit," prayer warrior friend got in touch with me today. She recommended a healthy holy dose of Psalm 31. A quite beautiful passage, that perfectly aligned with my new "Psalm" challenge. Nuggets of truth and hope and treasure unfolded in these 24 verses. So much that they were deemed worthy of reading several times over, and in several translations.

Beginning with a heart cry of rescue and redemption. One I can relate to (verses 1-5).

Midway offering up request, "Let your face shine on your servant," "Warm me, your servant, with a smile." Enough to sustain a weary heart (verse 16).

Moving deeper into the essence of Him and the hope and life we find in Him, "How great is your goodness, which You have stored up for those who fear You, which You bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in You" (verse 19).

Allow me to pause here. I have notes in my Bible, but don't know who to credit for this insight and perspective I'm about to share below. I'm willing to bet it is either Beth Moore or our Pastor Andy. Either way, they are words of wisdom. The teacher explains: "God has great things stored up for those of us who esteem Him and take refuge in Him...not trivial earthly riches, but things that matter...Like:

-a life of purpose

-tremendous fruit

-deep satisfaction

-godly influence

-open doors for ministry

-restoration of relationships

-astonishing breakthroughs"

These are the things I am after. And you? Oh, such the gift to run from the world just to hide in Him (even for just one day). I'm chasing hard after His heart. And I believe, He too, is chasing after me. I live for those moments when we collide, when He enters my brokenness and the mess around me and graces me with His goodness. A goodness that spills over onto insecurity, discouragement, and woundedness and whispers hope in the redemption and restoration that is sure to come for those who wait upon the LORD.

Speaking of waiting...

This Psalm eloquently yet boldly ends with this:

"Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up.

Expect God to get here soon."

(verse 24)

Until then...

I remain chasing.

Resolve.

Refine. Resolve. Redeem.

Stretched between the scorched and heated

desert of refinement,

and the lush, ripe, fruit-dripping

land of redemption,

I find myself in the

rivers of resolve.

Resolve:

to decide firmly on a course of action.

Resolve.

Gifted to me amongst gracefall.

Oh, these aren't rivers one may effortlessly wade in.

These rivers require work.

Spiritual muscle.

Marathon endurance.

Pushing through the rushing current of Lies

that fish for my attention,

eager to hook and sink

and pull me underneath

into the dark waters of inadequacy and failure.

But,

resolve says

I

have

enough.

Anchored.

Firm.

Steadfast.

Hope remains.

Always on the horizon.

Even in dark of night,

when the Pirate of Deceit mocks

and threatens to steal

what's not rightfully his,

just to toss it overboard as worthless plundered loot.

Resolve says

I have

and

I

am

treasure.

On a route marked with heaviness and fragility,

where deep waters attempt to chart off-course, capsize,

sink

and drown,

I am firmly choosing to stay afloat.

Afloat in belief

that the painful, and at times, relentless waves of refinement

are indeed mercy waves.

Not due to punishment or test,

but rather,

Yes rather,

birthed out of pure and perfect love,

sea boundless love.

Resolve.

Through the refinement,

that prepares a heart

to be

lacking of nothing.

That withstands heat

because

it's more precious than gold

and worth keeping,

worth perfecting.

Trading depth of doubt

for depth of determination.

That just around the riverbend,

redemption

awaits.

Resolved to wait,

to endure,

to persevere,

to claim,

to believe,

to trust

the Captain of this ship,

the Anchor for my soul,

the Author and Perfector of this course of faith.

Resolve.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."

James 1:2-6

adorning...

adorn: to make more beautiful or attractive

this life is full of passion and beauty,

movement and discovery.

today,

in the fairytaleland of age 2 wonderment and fierce independence,

we adorn.

in nothing more and nothing less than

the

"headband."

rockin' it over grocery

and on pony...

at home...

over tuna and fish of gold...

and yes,

even in slumber.

my adorning child,

oh how i adore you!

Yahweh-Yireh

This year I have resolved to officially give up "worrying," claiming it is so 2011 and very overrated...so when I felt it creeping up this morning, I had to hush it back down with prayer and His Holy Word. Re-reading the familiar words of Matthew 6 always ushers in peace. I love my trusty NIV, but also enjoy holding it up to other versions because God has a way of speaking afresh and allowing His truth to sink in when I do this.

Anyone out there a bit worried about yesterday or tomorrow,

open your mouths and feast on this:

Matthew 6:19-24 (The Message):

(emphasis my own)

A Life of God-Worship

^19-21"Don't hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or—worse!—stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it's safe from moth and rust and burglars. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.

^22-23"Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!

²⁴"You can't worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you'll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can't worship God and Money both.

^25-26"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.

^27-29"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

^30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

³⁴"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

I don't want to pull down the blinds on the window of my life by worrying and doubting in my yesterdays and tomorrows. No, I want this life to shine and be a reflection of Him. Eyes open wide in wonder and belief. In Genesis 22, Abraham believed God to be a God of provisions. In obedience, he was ready and willing, and when the time came for the unthinkable, "he looked up and there in the thicket he saw a ram caught by it's horns...So Abraham called that place Yahweh-Yireh, which means "The LORD will provide" (verses 13-14). Let this season, and this life, be one that's marked with just that...evidences all along this journey that remind and declare:

Yahweh-Yireh.

Steeping myself...

Now that's a better way to start my day!

tiny breakthrough

in darkness of cocoon,

shedding glimpses of

movement

on new wings of grace.

awareness of work

we've still to sow,

yet beholding

and strengthened

by today's view,

as it's one of

hope

and light.

yesterday's ground plowed in

revelation and

movement,

and hope

in the coming harvest.

a garden sure to rise,

by only

living water and

light of Son.

and the waiting

upon both.

emerging

into what

the Maker has purposed.

a

creation

of

new.

Paper kisses...

I almost didn't write this post because I know Brooke would be horrified if she found out...

But this just tickled me like no other; it's worth sharing.

So, a couple of days ago we went to Target to replace a broken toy that Brayden had received for Christmas. We let Brooke pick out something small and she chose this 2 pack of Justin Bieber folders for $2.00.

Yesterday, late afternoon, I was in her bedroom putting away clean clothes when something caught my eye...It was fairly dark in her room, but I caught a glimpse of a reflection on one of her new folders that was sitting on her bed.

As I looked closer, I noticed that there were lip marks on the surface of each folder, right where Justin Bieber's mouth was...Yep, she was kissing Justin!

This sorta concerned me, but moreso cracked me up. 6 years old and kissing the paper face of Justin Bieber. I don't ever remember doing this as a little girl, although I do remember making my Ken and Barbie kiss. She is growing up too fast. Still wanting to keep the "little" in my girl. But glimpses like this just remind me of the unique wiring God has gifted in the heart of a female...to love and be loved, to be pursued and treasured,

for prince charming to come dashing in on a white horse and lead her to her very own

"happily ever after."

And even at this tender age, to be found captivating.

My prayer for her is that she will always seek and find the answer of her heart's desires in Jesus.

But, until then, first and foremost let her find this in her Daddy,

(and perhaps in the occasional paper kisses of a PopStar).

We have ourselves a dreamer.

what can i bring...

wish i had the song in her voice,

but i'll happily settle for the song of her heart.

close your door. turn up the volume.

take a few moments before Him in reverent worship.

bring all of yourself.

insulated...

I've been cold for 2 days straight. Freezing cold, to the bone. So cold that my husband came home from work last night and surprised me with an electric blanket. I haven't used one of those since I was a girl growing up in the farmhouse. Brings back memories of fighting with my siblings on frigid days over who's turn it was to stand over the furnace vent. The best was to stand over it in a nightgown and trap the heat in all around. Well, 30+ years later I find myself living in a cold house again. It doesn't help that this house is large, there are hardwood floors and windows all throughout, and although there have been additions and remodels, it is still old and probably lacks proper insulation. It also doesn't help that it has been 11 degrees outside either. But despite the frigid temps of the season, I've felt insulated. Insulated by His grace and presence. And with this, suddenly all of my heart's desires and struggles don't seem as urgent or important as they've begun to melt down around me. Circumstances haven't changed, but His presence and my awareness of Him has. I've been buffered in His insulation.

My husband and I just watched a CATALYST Conference DVD. Some friends lent it to us a while ago and suggested we watch it, but we hadn't gotten around to it until last night. Perhaps we didn't make time or just got too tired or sucked into the "no-brainer" entertainment of American Pickers or Pawn Stars come night, but we finally sat down and got a chance to watch it. And it was good. We listened to messages of two dynamic speakers/pastors: Francis Chan and Judah Smith. I want to give credit where credit is due, but I'm afraid that the two messages are blurring together for me...but I still want to share what God's laid on my heart in the process. Just know that these next thoughts originated from these two anointed men.

While I've read the works of Francis Chan and have checked out a video or online clip of him here and there, I had never actually watched him deliver a message before. Once I got past his wild and passionately animated style of preaching (If I talked like that with my arms/hands, I'd have biceps and triceps of steel!) the words of his heart rang true and convicting.

Francis posed a question to the conference crowd of thousands, "What if we were to take an inventory of the prayers over the past month from everyone here? What prayers would we see repeated over and over again?" He goes on to tell a story about Moses (Exodus 33). How Moses had already walked with God...He'd already witnessed God's great miracles firsthand, and yet He wanted more. Even after all of that, Moses boldly asks God to, "show me Your glory." See, Moses was after more than what God could say or do. He desired what was beyond the miracles and promises...He wanted to know God. He wanted to know the essence of Him and what made God God. It was like Moses was saying, "God, I want to know who You are and what You're like, I want more of You."

I believe it was in Judah Smith's message that he talked about David, the heart barer and writer of the book of Psalms. The two messages are beginning to intermix, but one of them referenced David's earnest prayer in Psalm 27:4:

"One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple."

Out of all the things to be asking God, this was the ONE thing He desired...God's presence. To know Him. Is this your daily prayer and desire of your heart? If we inventoried your personal prayers over the past month, would this be the repeat one above all others? I have a lot of repeat prayers, but I can tell you this...this was not one of mine (and it should have been). Recently, my

struggles haven't changed, but I have...and it's because of His presence. My first and foremost prayer, above all other things should be just this. For His presence.

For more of Him.

And for my awareness and reverent acknowledgement of Him.

As believers He's given us His Holy Spirit. It's within...

but sometimes we are too distracted and too worried to take note and abide.

John 15:5 says, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing."

In order to know Him, I must spend time with Him and be fully present in reverence before Him. How can I really know Him apart from this? He must abide within, because apart from Him I can do nothing. Without His presence, what use am I to Him? I cannot bear fruit, be used by Him, or make Him known. We need Him first. We also need to rid ourselves of the distractions around us that beg for our attention and connive us into thinking that Jesus is not enough.

If you've had a taste of being fully present in His presence, if you've had a taste of Jesus in an up-close-and-personal kind of way, you understand that it is better than life itself. If you haven't had this before, you can. I beg you to try...seek it and seek Him. It's better than anything this world can offer...it's better than your favorite comfort food, the exotic vacation you've always dreamed of, or the designer purse you scored on the sale rack. It's better than the smell of newborn babies, your children's giggles or the heartiest belly laugh you could share with a best friend. And, it's available to EVERYONE. I wish it was like a plate of cookies I could pass around and give out, but it's not mine to give. It's His.

It's Him.

When you know God, you are not insulated against life's problems. But you can be insulated and covered in His grace, love and strength...and that will help you cope and get through the struggles. It'll equip you to live life abundantly and to see the world through a different lens. Like switching from black and white tv to color. Blind to brilliantly seeing. Lost to found. I've been craving, basking and bathing in Him lately. I don't want to lose this...I'm making David's prayer my own daily repeat because better IS one day in His courts. If you're feeling overwhelmed, in over your head, weary or burdened, you need not look any further than Jesus. He is more than enough.

He was the first thing in my thoughts this morning, before my feet left the warmth of my electric-blanketed bed. And this old song came to mind. Give me Jesus. I added it to my playlist this morning and it's been cycling on repeat like a hamster on a wheel.

It's a cold world out there and we need insulation. While an electric blanket works for the outside, there's only One who works for the inside. Jesus. Give me more of Him. We need more of Him. Go ahead, ask for it.