40 Day Challenge- The Prelude

I'm so excited to report that Friday, May 17th marked the 40th day of our family's 40 day challenge!  Before I get into the "nitty-gritty" of this challenge, let me tell you how it all came to be.  Today's focus will be on the prelude.  The leading up.

April 4th-6th I attended a Homeschooling Convention in Cincinnati, Ohio.  For the week leading up to this convention I did not really feeling like going.  My husband and I were discouraged about our circumstances. We had been looking for new job opportunities for him, but any leads we explored just led to dead ends.  We had hit another "dead end" that week.  Even though I didn't really feel like attending this homeschooling conference, I knew I needed the motivation and encouragement I would find there.  So, I packed up and went.

Not even an hour after arriving at this convention center packed with thousands upon thousands of people and vendors, (in overwhelming numbers, making a "newbie" homeschooling mom even a tad bit more intimidated), God showed up and surprised me.  Over the course of the weekend His voice broke loud and clear.  And there was silence no more.

See, months prior I met an old friend of one of my friends, who was visiting her from out of state.  I had no idea this friend of a friend was a seasoned homeschooling mom.  But as we struck up a conversation that evening, it was brought to light.  I remember standing in my friend's kitchen completely engaged in conversation with her, oblivious to anything going on around me.  Her words of encouragement were timely, and I soaked them in like the noonday sun.  Before the night was over, this friend of a friend pulled me aside and asked if she could pray for me.  Her words were spot on, and she spoke certain things (about and over myself, my husband, and our family) that only the Spirit could have revealed to her.  Our chance encounter that evening seemed nothing less than God-ordained.  It moved me and brought great encouragement.

So, back to Cincinnati.  Would you believe that in a sea of thousands of people on registration day, I would be standing in one of many lines waiting to purchase a ticket to one of the offered speaking events, when I would hear a strangely familiar voice coming from somewhere behind?  I turned around in line, and directly behind me was this friend of a friend!  Who happens to live in Ohio, and happened to be attending the same convention, and happened to be in the same line looking to sell back just one ticket to the exact event I was looking to purchase just one ticket.  It was a God thing.  My heart was grinning from ear to ear as I felt His presence near.  I knew that He was giving me a personal and tangible dose of encouragement to keep focused on the work He had called me to with this homeschooling journey.  It was as if He was speaking and confirming in my heart that I was right where He wanted me to be, doing the very work He had first called me to a year prior.  He got my attention.

These homeschooling conventions are jam-packed with workshops to attend.  They offer a myriad of classes/sessions on the hour, around the clock, all weekend long.  There are so many good workshops to choose from, and really not enough time for one person to soak in all the information she desires.

Here is a flavor of just a fraction of workshops offered:
-Meeting the Needs of Mathematically Gifted Children 
-How Latin is the Key to Making Language Learning Easy
-How Memory Works: Essential Learning Systems
-Study Like a Genius: Unlocking Your Brain
-Classical Teaching of History
-Learn the Greek Alphabet in an Hour
-Teaching Your Students to Read for Comprehension
-Teaching Literature with Socratic Discussion
-Fermentation Science with the Perfect Pickler (yes, that was really offered)
-Russia in the Dark Age of Communism
-12 Genius Qualities to Encourage in Your Children

And then here are a few of the workshops I found myself drawn to:
-When it Hurts to Homeschool
-21 Days to a More Disciplined Life
-10 Ways to Stop Defiance, Disrespect, and Meltdowns
-10 Ways to Make Your Kids Crazy About You
-How to Make Your Home a Piece of Heaven on Earth
-I Quit!
-Stop the Yelling, Lecturing, and Power Struggles
-Exploding the Supermom Myth
-Homeschooling with Little Ones in the Mix
-Help! It's 5:00 and We're Still Doing School!
-Don't Just Read God's Word, Devour it as a Family
-Discipline that Works when Consequences Don't
-How to Overcome being Overwhelmed

A stark contrast, don't you think?  I began to realize that at this point in my homeschooling journey, I couldn't even fathom or comprehend attending some of those "academic" workshops until I had a handle on some of the topics covered in this last set of workshops.  Latin?  I'm not there yet. I'm still aiming to abolish the complaining that occurs when I ask my 9 year old to dictate a 12 word sentence in English...(which happens to be his native tongue by the way, and should come quite naturally.)  Or squelch the tear-stained-face meltdowns and pencil breaking fits that have occurred in the past when asked to do such a ridiculous thing.  Genius Qualities?  In this house, we are just hoping to land on "average" most days.  As in..."Daughter, you misspelled your own name, can you rewrite that please? There is an E at the end," or learning to follow the infamous grammar rules that every sentence begins with a capital letter and ends with a punctuation mark.  Let's start there before we get all "genius" under this roof.  We are an extraordinarily ordinary family, and I'm ok with that.

So, yeah.  I found myself attending workshops that solely dealt with issues outside the world of academia.  God began revealing to me that my focus should be in the home and of the heart.  That the academics could (and should) all come later.  I was listening.

Over the course of the weekend, I felt God gently speaking to me and revealing areas of desired change within my heart and my home.  That He was after heart change...individual and familial heart transformation.  I was convicted and felt a strong sense that He was calling me to act with immediacy.  On a few occasions I caught myself praying, "God, please don't let me die anytime soon!  There is much good work still yet to be done."  I couldn't wait to get home.

When I came home from the convention, my husband was shocked to hear of all of the workshops I had attended.  He assumed they would all be geared toward academics and the like.  He could sense my passion and conviction to create change within our household and he eagerly jumped on board with me.  A true gift from God that we would be on the same page with this challenge we were about to embark upon.

When beginning this homeschooling journey, I purchased this etsy print and hung it on the wall right outside our classroom.

It served as a reminder for me to throw myself into this new role of "homeschooling mom."  That I was making a difference with my one precious life.  That what I was doing mattered and had purpose.  That between the peanut butter-and-jelly-making and monotonous housework routine, each day counted.  That I was not to take it for granted, sit in idleness, or grow desensitized to the task, but to work at it with all my heart, and not grow weary in doing this good work I had been called to.  To live this one wild and precious life with intention and passion.  Each and every moment.  For moments lead to hours, that lead to days, that lead to seasons and years, which add up to a lifetime.  They matter and we must make them count.

This convention stirred up something wild and fiery within me to do so.  To live out this life with purpose and passion, and to be intentional about it.  That I was the one who had control over it.  That the measure of joy and peace I was able to receive was all but a choice. That I had choices to make that could bring about the change I had been craving.  Not just change within our family of 5, but generational change as we laid the foundations for a life worth living.

At the convention, as I began to self-reflect and really pay attention to the stir of His Spirit within me...one thing became painfully clear.  It began with me and the things that I can control.

It seems most of the areas in life that steal my joy and peace, and overwhelm me the most, are not necessarily external circumstances that I have little or no control over.  Those things certainly bring stress, but they are more like the "icing on the cake" to life's disharmony.  I discovered that the things that stress me out the most and steal my joy are the very things that I alone can control.  It started with me.  In how I act and react, respond, prioritize, and manage my time.  These are all things that cause a ripple effect to the lives around me and the harmony within our home.  These are the things I needed to re-evaluate, take back, and begin to tweak and change.  I was ready.  And determined.

It seemed too often in our family, we let our emotions control us...and the emotions of those around us.  They dictated our stress and the climate of our household.  One bad mood or attitude could attempt to spoil a whole day or evening, and everyone in it.   This can too easily become a default or norm.  Where it seems to be a vicious cycle in which everyone's emotions are controlling the household.  And there are plenty of days where this is beautiful.  And there are plenty of days where this is toxic.  I wanted to stop the toxic and give my kids better tools to avoid "sweating the small stuff" and to rise above it all regardless of their circumstances.

It's not that we were living in a crazy house that yells at each other all the time.  But there were moments I was noticing that our words, our tone of voice, and our behaviors toward each other were lacking gentleness and grace more regularly than not.  There was a calmness that was lacking too.  And sometimes, for no good reason at all...but rather out of mere habit.  We all know this life is full of frustrations, disappointments, and plan B's (and C's).  That's not going to change.  We just have to learn to cope with these things and maintain our joy and peace in the face of adversity.  God was calling me to do a better job with this.

I often found that after too many of my "mom buttons" had been pushed, I ended up doing and saying the very things I reprimanded my kids for doing and saying?  I expected and trained them to react and respond to each other and situations with patience and self-control, and for the most part I was doing this myself.  But, sometimes, when those buttons were pushed, it's like all rational sense of reasoning went out the window.  What kind of example is that?  As parents, we are the example.  We are the "how to live" blueprint for our children.  This is where my conviction for change began to bloom.  I knew I could be doing better. Part of the beauty I found in homeschooling is that it gave me more time to influence and instill godliness in my children.  Yet, as time passed, I felt convicted that I was falling short here.

It was time to make some changes.  God has given us everything we need for life and godliness.  He desires we live and enjoy an abundant life here on earth.  He does not run out of grace, peace, and joy to offer us.  There is no shortage.  It's more like we clog the conduits in life to receive these things.  Or just plain don't ask or pursue them, but rather expect God to drop them into our laps each day.  It doesn't work this way though.  We all have an active role to play in gathering and becoming a grateful recipient of these things.  To be intentional about the way we live.  To pursue peace.

The manna that sustains and fills is available to us daily, hourly, and by the minute.  Too often I found myself coming up short.  Overwhelmed and overworked by the end of each day.  Easily growing tired and weary by the time my husband got home at night.  When I should have been looking forward to enjoying quality time with him and our family of five being together, I often found myself "spent" and wanting to sneak away by myself to exhale and retreat.  I didn't like not having my "best self" to offer him when he came home at night.  But rather a "worn out" self.  A self in which every button had already been pushed that day, and my kids and the household bore the scars to prove it.

I want myself and everyone in my family to live a passionate life of peace, joy, purpose and fruitfulness.  And to see that despite external circumstances, we can have these things in abundance.  That godly character and heavenly treasure are the things that give us fullness of life.  That we are in control of our own emotions and God can usher in calmness of heart and home if we pursue peace and live with intention.

After an extended season of silence, God spoke, and His voice rang loud and clear to my poised ear and hungry heart.  All in a weekend.  So was birthed our 40 day family challenge.   We eagerly accepted and took on this challenge with drive and determination.  With not a moment wasted.

God filled us with fresh revelation and insight to tackle our family challenge.  Over and over again He showed up with His "Wonder-working" and filled us with strength and encouragement to press on toward the goal.  If there were more hours in a day, I'd share now.  But the baby naps, and writing and grammar with the older two still sits on my plate for today.  I promise to share soon...until then, stay tuned for the "nitty-gritty."

To Break the Silence

I look at today's date and the massive gap of time between my last post and this one and wonder if there's anyone out there still following my blog...and if you are, thank you for being loyal.  Has it really been over two full months?  Since I started this blog in 2008 I don't think there has ever been such a lapse of time in writing.  For those loyal followers out there, you know that for the past 2 years my posts have been consistently focused on the sharing of my faith journey.  While facebook has been a great avenue to share photos and life events, this little blog has become my outlet to share my heart and the work God is doing within it.  Today I break the silence.

With that said, over the years I've found the most satisfaction in writing when I am Spirit-led.  And even though I love to write and could muster up posts just to satisfy that love of breathing out words,  I tend to hold onto those things and use this space to share the moments God has placed something on my heart worthy enough to share.  And in those moments I do write, it usually feels like it's a nudge from the LORD pressing me onward to do so.  I've learned to ask Him which things He wants me to share publicly and which things to hold a little closer.  When it's a lesson or telling of His promises, He usually gives me the green, and says, "By all means, share Me!" The purpose for this blog is not for me, but for Him and His glory.  So, He directs.  Other times when what I am sharing is a little more concerning to myself personally, He says, "Let's  just keep it here for now."  Either way, I take no credit if anything "good" ever comes out of this tiny corner of blogging space in our gigantic cyber-world.   All glory to Him.

And while I am at it, I am curious to hear from other writers...How does God work in your heart in guiding you with your writing?  Most people who know me know that writing is a passion of mine.   But when I am not led by His Spirit to write, it's less rewarding, and lacks that appeal and passion.  Passion that springs from Him when His Spirit is awakened in me.  And when it is, it feels more like a compulsion.  A holy consumption.  Sometimes I am rendered useless until word hits page.  Restless.  Distracted until those consonants and vowels form words and sentences and thought and heart change.  They are mini-mountaintop moments where I catch a glimpse of His heart and His glory up close and personal.  So I crave it.  Use me LORD.  As You will.  Make me Your vessel. This is one way He has chosen to do so. I do hope He continues.

But He rarely just shows up and flows through me as I sit before my laptop and blank screen.  Does He do that for you?  He most often comes in snippets of thought.  Bursts of idea.  And often at the most inconvenient of times, like when I am blowdrying my hair or driving in the car.  I might be applying make-up, and He presses words on my heart, just as the mascara hits my lashes.  So I pause, grab something, anything to jot it down, and return to my makeup.  30 seconds later, He interrupts again.  So I jot, and apply...jot, and blowdry...jot, and scrub dishes...jot, and drive.  My house is filled with scribbled notebooks and papers filled with this stuff.  I'm often frantically searching for paper and pen, or my phone, to immediately begin scribbling because I know I will not remember later, even if I try.    Sometimes I'm lying in bed ready to shut my brain off and He says, "Ah, ah, ah...not yet! Don't forget this part."  So i groggily crawl out of my warm, cozy bed and begin to jot.  My "notes" app on my iPhone is filled with more of these one-finger-typed scribbles.  These little God spurts and interruptions.  While they make events and tasks take much longer than required, they are welcomed.  I don't want to miss anything He has for me.  These divine interruptions I've grown to love.  Sometimes they come in spurts throughout a day, or a couple of days.  Sometimes topics marinate in my mind a bit longer.  But there's usually a "building up." All in spurts.  It isn't till later when I sit before my keyboard do the words begin to come out differently and find their rhythm.  He begins to untangle, put them in order, make sense of them with His threading and weaving.  This seems to be my method.  Does He do that with you too?  Or does He just make it easier on you and show up in one long sitting?  I really am curious to know.

So, back to my story.  As you can assume, for over 2 months He's been silent.  No nudging.  No pressing. No scribbles. No spurts.  No interruptions.

Though, please don't equate that silence to distance.  I've felt God's presence near and dear to me in many ways.  He's gently spoken to me and has guided me in this timeframe, yet He just hadn't laid anything on my heart to share.  After the first month I began to wonder why.  The months prior I couldn't seem to get thoughts on page fast enough.  I often had several blog posts simultaneously brewing in my heart and my mind.  I'd begin one before finishing the other.  More spurts and jots mingling to find their way.  Like floodgates bursting open rushing to find their own space to settle.  It wasn't until later that I would discover the purpose for His silence.  In the meantime, God has been doing some mighty Wonder-working over these past two months...much of what I will get to later on in this post if you stick with me.  

So back to the silence.  I began to wonder why God is silent with us at times.  I used to think it was punishment, or sin on my behalf that was blocking and clogging my ability to hear Him.  While that is true in some cases, there are other reasons I have recently discovered.  I've realized that sometimes God is very intentional with His silence.  Sometimes He chooses to remain silent so that we'll still and quiet our hearts before Him.  He often desires this stillness of heart right before He is going to reveal Himself big in our lives.  It's as if He is saying, "I really, really want to have your attention here.  So quiet all the noise around you and make sure you are listening intently to Me.  I want your undivided attention, because I am going to do something BIG.  I need ALL of you for this one.  I need you to have a craving for Me, so that you don't miss anything I am about to reveal.  I want you hungry, ravenous, focused...ear and heart in tune to hear My voice above all the noise and commotion around you. I want you ready."  His silence might very well mean He is getting you ready for something more.  So, if you find yourself in a moment or season of this, prepare your heart for what's to come.  And be ready to dig deeper to find Him and His awaited treasure.  He may be just around the corner of today looking for the proper time to break the silence.

Carrying on.  Goodness, I glance above and look at the length of this post already, and yet I haven't even gotten to the meat of it!  I better cut this short before I lose you!  Needless to say, God has been up to something BIG within the heart of our family.  We are on day 31 of a 40 Day Family Challenge that has been rocking our world and surprising us at every turn.  I can't wait to share it with you!  If you are curious for more, stay tuned.  I feel we need to finish off the last 9 days of our challenge first.

In the meantime, be bold and pray this verse over yourself, your family, and your circumstances.  With great thanks.  It's the very crux of our family challenge.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.

Ephesians 3:20

And when you do pray...believe it to be true!  I'm experiencing pieces of this truth right now.  I promise it's available for anyone who believes.  And so does He!

new beginnings

it's been an emotional week for me.  and it's only tuesday.  with this month comes fresh recollections of what was happening in our lives last year.  i'm on my third year of writing in my perpetual calendar.  i love looking back at the previous years to see what we were doing.  another lost tooth from one of the kiddos.  countless "firsts."  memories made.  schedules carried out.  life lived.  but re-living the moments of March and April of last year has left my heart in a raw and bittersweet state.  i remember.

today while writing in my calendar, i noticed that a year ago today, March 5, 2012, we first heard the words "Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome."  our world changed considerably after.  there was no diagnosis at the time.  just a suggestion.  a possibility.  prior to that day, we had never heard of such a thing.  and didn't fully understand the beast that it could be.  or the hardship that lied ahead.

the weeks spent in the hospital were traumatic.  we were in full crisis mode.  but the months that followed had their own drowning and suffocating difficulties.  life was thrown upside down.  it was a season of confusion.  insecurity. unknown.  change.  and life in many ways began unraveling at the seams.

but faith is a rope to our true Lifeline.  and the grip on it just tightens and strengthens over time. i've learned this.

when one's heart is confused, she tends to see the world through a lens of confusion.  life is distorted and dismembered.  i remember.

this was a very lonely season.  a lost season.  loss of life as we knew it.  loss of identity.  it caused a lot of re-evaluating, paring back, and replanting.  In God's goodness, He allowed it.  sometimes He yanks out all the unfruitful roots, the harmful seeds that may one day bloom into nothing but misery, or will wildly grow in a direction against His will.  it's painful.  yet He loves us too much to deem it necessary.

sometimes He lets the winds and storms of life to rage through and destroy till it seems you are stripped down so far that you are reduced to nothing but dust.  so that He can change and grow you into what He has intended.  so that He can rebuild and restore.  and replant that which will bloom for Him.  letting beauty rise from the ashes. such is our story.

writing on my calendar today led me to look back on my blog and re-read some of the posts i had written while in the thick of this storm.  it was a very dark and despairing time that God graciously and consistently shed Light into.  enough to keep us from losing hope.  and to keep us reaching and grasping for Him.

most of the old posts i could hardly get through reading today.  it's beautiful.  and it hurts.  since then, some things have been broken and lost, other things healed and found.  i focus on the latter.

i can't even get through reading too heavy without choking back hard thick sobs.  the pain of that moment and that day knocking on the front door of my heart like an unwanted guest, making it all too real.  i remember.

so much has changed since.  i'm not the same woman i once was.  my husband's not the same man.  nor is our family.  it took months of climbing out of pits, hitting rock bottoms, fighting for Truth, surrendering and letting go, to reach a place of acceptance and wholeness.

this new ground and this foundation is Sure. and strong.

our journey isn't finished.  the trials will surely come again.  we haven't yet seen the end of this one. i won't pretend there aren't numerous ways He is still longing for me to change and grow.  but i've a deepened trust in Him.  and i'm willing to walk the path He leads me down.  whatever that may be.  strengthened and encouraged.

this saturday, March 2nd, was the one year date that brayden came down with a "stomach bug" and was hospitalized.  we spent more days in the hospital than out of the hospital in one month's time.  when i told brayden it had been a year, he wanted to bake a cake to celebrate.  i explained to him that it wasn't necessarily one full year of health,  but rather one full year since our journey had begun.  yet this 9 year old boy persisted that yellow cake and chocolate icing were necessary for such an occasion.

so we baked.  and we blew out candle.  and we thanked God, marking that day as a day of "new beginnings."  how appropriate for him to see a reason to celebrate.  our lives are full of reasons to be thankful, sometimes it takes the eyes of a child to make them known.

we have many transitions and unknowns ahead of us.  yet, i am feeling readily equipped for this journey.  this morning i texted my husband and told him that i could see many ways in which God has used these past few years as our battle training.  

months ago at church, a young lady pulled us aside and wanted to pray for us.  she had a vision that God had marked my husband's forehead with the words "mighty warrior."  at the time, he was feeling nothing of the sort.  but since then, God has been wonder-working in his heart and i'm seeing evidence of warrior all over him.  

God used these past few years to train him into the man He always desired for him to be.  these months and years have equipped him to accomplish the good work God has prepared in advance for him to do.  i told him that never before has he led our family like he is leading us now.  never before has his character been so deeply rooted in godliness and righteousness.  never before has our marriage been stronger or healthier or happier.  a year ago today, i would not have been able to say these things.  and i stand here today and humbly say that never before have i ever been more proud to have him as my husband.

God changes hearts.  He uses circumstances and hardship to grow and refine that which He loves and sees valuable.  we are worth far more than the sparrows of the air.  my view is so limited.  i pray daily that He increases my faith and enlightens my heart. that He gives me a spirit of wisdom and revelation. that i fall more and more madly in love with His Son each day.

i don't regret the path that we've walked, nor do i ever wish to go back to where we were.  i'm feeling strengthened and alive today.

thankful that He is a God of "new beginnings."

Commissioned: His Calling

In 2011 I attended a meeting to learn more about a new ministry at our church called the Stephen Ministry.  Stephen Ministry is a distinctively Christian caregiving ministry that offers individualized one-on-one personal care, walking alongside of those who are hurting, grieving, dealing with loss, illness, death and crises.

My heart was drawn to this ministry as I have always had a soft spot for those who are hurting. I believe God has given me the gift of encouragement, and I see ways He has used me to encourage others throughout my lifetime.  I recall instances in my childhood where He used me to do this.   Even as a naive, inexperienced, young girl on the school bus.

After high school I went on to receive my bachelor’s degree in psychology.  I chose this field out of my desire to help others.  God has uniquely shaped all of us with varying gifts, desires, and abilities.  Being a good friend and helping others around me has always been a passion of mine.  After college I went on to graduate school and earned my Masters in Social Work where I put this passion into use and briefly became a therapist at a Christian Counseling Agency before becoming a stay-at-home mom.

Even as a young mother I looked into biblical counseling and got my feet wet in this field.  This passion and desire within me never grew dim throughout each stage of my life.  Yet, I hadn’t found a place to put these skills and passions into practice. Or the right timing for it.

After attending that initial Stephen Ministry meeting in 2011, and learning of the time commitment it would require, I convinced myself that this was not the season in life to be part of such a ministry.  I desired to do so, and felt a stir in my heart to follow through with it, but fear and selfishness caused me to close the door on it.  I believed that it would be a ministry He would call me to later in life.  However, about a year later I discovered that God had other plans for me.

A few months into homeschooling (spring/summer of last year), I received a card in the mail from our church inviting me to attend another upcoming Stephen Ministry informational meeting.  The stir in my spirit sent chills throughout my entire physical body.  It gave me goosebumps, sent my heart racing, and filled me with a bit of fear.  I knew God was calling me to this.  There have only been a few moments in my life where I have felt certain of the moving of the Holy Spirit.  I experienced it when my husband and I were faced with the decision to switch careers and move out of education.  And I experienced it that day I opened up that card in my kitchen and was invited to attend that Stephen Ministry meeting.  And so I began to pray. I am so glad I journaled throughout this process.  It is a record of God speaking and working in my heart.  A treasure.

One of the lessons I have learned along this journey is to be open to God’s will and direction in my life.  Especially when it doesn’t match up to my own.  I don’t always understand His will or His ways, but I’ve found that there isn’t much peace when I am walking outside of it.

For years I dabbled in various ministries and hadn’t found my calling.  I knew I was called to serve and I found ways to do so, but none of them filled me with a sense of purpose and fulfillment.  My husband is gifted in teaching and leading.  We co-led Home Groups at our church, but this was always his area of strength and passion.  We also taught a couple of bible studies with our youth program at church and presented at a couple of speaking engagements, conferences, retreats, and banquets.  God always worked through me and blessed me in these endeavors, but they took me out of my comfort zone and still didn’t quite satisfy that yearning to regularly serve and be used by Him like I desired.

A few months before I received the invitation to consider the Stephen Ministry I started doing a Bible study on my own called “Nehemiah: A Heart that can Break,” by Kelly Minter.  My prayer and desire when choosing to do this study was that God would give me a heart that breaks for the things that break His.  I was praying that God would open my eyes to the needs around me and give me a responsive heart.  That God would help rid me of any feelings of selfishness with my time, and that I’d gain His perspective on such things.  I had also been contemplating and praying about where He wanted to use me, and asked Him to show me where and how I could serve others.

These prayers began before I even contemplated the Stephen Ministry.  In my mind, I had already dismissed this idea the year prior and had resolved to believe that the timing wasn’t right in my life to be part of this ministry.  Yet, I still longed to serve outside of my home, to best use my gifts and abilities in a way that brought purpose and fulfillment, where I knew He had me exactly where He wanted me.  

I felt I hadn’t yet found my “niche” in serving.  I saw people who were musically gifted serve on our Worship Team.  I saw others who were gifted in teaching serve in Children’s Ministry or the Adult Education Team.  I saw others with gifts of leadership lead out various studies and teams.  All the while, I still yearned to be used by God, with the gifts and talents He had given me, to find an area to serve.  With this being said, my most fervent prayer became one in which He would show me the way to do so.

Since the beginning of my study on Nehemiah, a recurring question in this study was, “What has God put on your heart to do?”  My answer at the time was, “I’m still trying to figure this out.”  So began a season of committed prayer asking God to show me where He wanted me to serve and what part He was asking me to play.

Months later when I received the invitation to be part of the Stephen Ministry, and the stir in my spirit grew stronger, I knew God was giving me my answer to prayer right there.  It felt like a personal calling.  So from that day forward, I prayed daily to hear God’s voice and for Him to make it clear to me if Stephen Ministry was where He was leading me to serve.

God began to move in my heart and confirmed to me that this was His calling. During one of my morning Bible study times (on Nehemiah), the author, Kelly Minter, reminded us to “not be so easily drawn from what God has put in our hearts to do.”  At that time, I could think of a hundred reasons why I should not do this ministry.  I was adjusting to my new role as homeschooling mom and felt like I was drowning in this alone.  Plus, we were still transitioning into a new lifestyle after my son's diagnosis with a chronic illness, and managing to cope and find our new "normal."  It was by far the toughest year of my life.  Insecurity, doubt, fear, busy-ness, selfishness, and life transition were fresh on my spirit and some of the many reasons I felt this was not the timing for me to explore new areas of serving.

However, when I opened that card and read the invitation to consider joining the Stephen Ministry, that stir from within was not taken lightly.  God had laid upon my heart a passion for this ministry.  As mentioned before, my passion for people and to reach the lost and the hurting has been within my heart for as long as I can remember.  Even though I hadn’t worked as a therapist for years, I could see ways that God had allowed me to use my education, training, and gifts in the lives of those around me.  This time, while considering the Stephen Ministry, I was purposeful in setting out to not be drawn away from what God had put on my heart, but to pray and press through each fear and doubt to discern His will.

Moving further into the Nehemiah Bible study, the question came about, “Is God asking you to lay down an entitlement in a situation where you are justified to hold onto it?”  Just as in 1 Corinthians 9, Paul said he had a right to reap a material harvest (salary/living) in exchange for sowing a spiritual seed (preaching the gospel).  But Paul gave up his “right” to be paid in order to “win as many (souls) as possible.”

Nehemiah also gave up some of the rights he was entitled to regarding choice foods, salary, etc.  When first contemplating this question, “What is God asking me to lay down or what right is He asking me to relinquish?”, my written response on this day was, “I can’t see an area of my life where He is doing this.  I’m just a mom.”

Later on that afternoon, I went online to listen to one of my pastor’s sermons because, due to illness, our family had missed church one of the previous weeks.  Our pastor, Andy Timm, preached on the story of Gideon.  I felt God speaking to me here as well.  Our pastor mentioned that “chances are good that if God is calling you into an area of leadership or service, He’s calling you into something that’s already of great concern to you.”  That God often creates a “holy discontent in our lives so we are driven to accept the call that lies in front of us.”  I felt this for myself.  Although my first ministry was in my home to my family, I couldn’t yet quench the desire to serve outside the home.

Further into the sermon, Andy said, “It’s ok to test God and put in front of Him a question (as Gideon did)”  A question that inquires, “Is it really You asking me to do these things?”  And then he explained, “If we negotiate a confirmation of God’s leading, and He confirms it, we better be prepared to move.”  In that moment I decided I was going to apply to be part of the Stephen Ministry.

Lastly, Andy encouraged us to call out to those around us and that God would use their interests and words to confirm to us what He has called us to do.  I emailed one of our Stephen Ministry Leaders and asked her for her honest feedback in regards to this ministry and my ability to serve while being a mother of three young children.  I also shared my heart with my husband and talked about the possibilities with him.

In addition, I had recently reached out to a friend of my sister’s who had been struggling with addiction.  I “randomly” received positive and encouraging feedback from all of these people (and others) God had placed in my path and felt confident that Stephen Ministry was where He was leading.

The following day, while digging into my Nehemiah Bible study, the author revisited the idea of “relinquishing our rights.”  Kelly stated, “If God is asking you to lay something down for the greater good, He is able to repay you lavishly.  Your rights will never outrun His blessings, even if the blessings aren’t revealed until heaven.”  

And it hit me. Like a sledgehammer.  My time.  The right to my time.  This is what He is asking me to relinquish.

I mean, really, can you think of many other people besides a homeschooling mother of three who has less time to herself?  At the time, I had been homeschooling for a few months and God had already begun to chisel away at my heart in areas regarding my time.  So, in my head I began asking God, “You mean you really want me to give up even more of it?  What little I already have?”  And His Spirit distinctively whispered, “Yes.  This is exactly what I am asking you to do.”  I felt like He was telling me that there was a greater good at stake here.  Investing in others who need Jesus.  Advancing the kingdom.  Spreading hope and encouragement.  Bringing others closer to Him.

I was reminded how in Joshua, God was able to make the sun stand still.  He is the maker and holder of time.  And I felt a calmness within that He would carve out time for me to do this.  That if indeed this was His leading, He would strike a balance between my service at home and my service within the Body of Christ.  So I continued to pray and ask Him to guard me against being drawn away from what He had put on my heart to do.

The following day I spent a great deal of time focusing on determining what we should say yes to and what we need to say no to (and how often this is one of the hardest areas to discern).  I had said no to several ministry opportunities over that past year.  All of them I was prayerful about.  I hadn’t felt His peace or His lead.  I had also wanted to be part of a service area in which He said “no” and closed the door.  I had been listening and paying attention to His voice.  Asking Him to make certain where my will and His will were not eclipsing.

A couple of days later my Bible study lesson for the day stated, “God stands to accomplish the impossible through us while too often we’re content to settle for the explainable.  The impossible requires taking time to listen for what He has put in our heart to do.  It means believing He will accomplish what He has spoken.”  While doubt and fear could easily hold me back, I felt God pulling me out of my comfort zone, where life and time already seemed hard enough to manage.  That He was calling me not to settle, but to give Him a chance to show Himself possible through me.

The very next day while moving on to the next lesson in my Nehemiah study, Kelly Minter wrote, “If you are able to do it, do it for the people.  A task, a service, a ministry- the purpose behind it all is for the people.”  She warned us against putting the ministry of people above the people themselves.  She stated, “The subtle temptation to exalt the ‘wall’ of study, returning emails, planning events, and even putting together a meal for a Bible study over actual people is one of the most counterproductive traps we can slide into.  I have often found myself entirely overwhelmed with the demands of ministry, but to what end?  If I’ve lost sight of the people for whom I spend myself, I have entirely missed the heart of why I do what I do.  Besides being relevant to those in ministry, of course this pertains to motherhood, marriage, and friendship.”

This gave me much to chew on.  Again, I prayed for a heart that would break for the things that break His, that He would fill me with a love for His people, and not to lose sight of this.  That He would rid me of any pride or selfish feelings in wanting to pursue this ministry.  He reminded me that it shouldn’t be about me trying to find my “niche” or solely desiring to be used by Him.  It should be about the heart of His people.  I thanked Him for giving me a heart for the hurting, and asked Him to further soften it.

A day later, my Bible study lesson provided a quote from the Christian martyr Jim Elliott.  He stated, “He is not a fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.”  This made me further contemplate the whole issue with time.  I cannot keep it.  But I can give it.  And I knew that with the giving of it, I would indeed gain treasures which I could not lose.  Kingdom treasures.  Is there really anything more precious?

On this day I also studied the differences between “giving to the poor” and “identifying with them.”  Kelly Minter shared with us how she was once asked the question, “Do you know the name of a poor person?”  She was not just asked, “Do you care about the poor?” (which would have been a much easier question to answer).  Often, there is a glaring gap between the two.  Jesus got His hands dirty.  He knew names.  He didn’t just write a check and send it off to some mission or ministry.  He didn’t just pray for them.  He walked beside them.  He was in the trenches.  Being His hands and feet involved identifying with His people.  

In my own life, I knew this meant it was time to get personal and invest.  We are called to do this.  Stephen Ministry was a perfect opportunity for me to identify with the poor in spirit, the ones hurting, lost, and desperate for God.  I was feeling more ready and prepared to fulfill my calling.

I’d like to say that I jumped right in!  But fear crept in and I felt I needed more confirmation from God that indeed Stephen Ministry was for me.  Sure, He was moving in my heart and working on some things within me, but I wanted to hear His specific voice in regards to this ministry.  So I asked Him for it.

My Nehemiah study the following morning had me referencing the New Testament.  While flipping through it, I stopped first at Colossians 4:17.  It reads, “See to it that you complete the work you have received in the LORD.”  Next to this verse some time ago, I had written, “Pay attention to the ministry you have received in the LORD, so that you can accomplish it.”

And next, out of “divine intervention,” He led me to Ephesians 2:10, “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”  I looked up a few different translations of this verse.  One version said, “we were called to be a benefit to this world.”  The New King James version described “the good works He has prepared in advance for us to do” as works that “we should walk in.”  The Message writes, “He creates each of us by Christ Jesus, to join Him in the work He does, the good work He has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing.” (emphasis mine). 

I also thought of Psalm 139 and how He created me and put this in my heart long ago, before I even existed.  All of my days were written for me before one of them came to be (including the work He has prepared in advance for me).  It’s not just about desire and giftedness, it’s about obedience and work we had better be doing.  This sounded like a command to me, something that could not be ignored, but that required action.  Not for later, but in my “now.”

I wasn’t looking or researching verses about ministry and doing the work of God.  After praying that earnest prayer to Him, I know I didn’t stumble upon these verses that morning by coincidence.  God was confirming to me the work and the ministry He was calling me to do.  Work He was requiring of me immediately.

About a week later the personal response question in my Nehemiah study asked, “How are you currently serving God and others in community? If this is a weak area, take some time to pray about a way you can get involved.  Joy awaits there.”  I considered the past few years of my life, how too many life transitions were thrown upon us at once.  In the thick of our storm, my husband and I backed out of many service areas.  There are seasons in life where it is acceptable to do this.  We stepped down from leading a Home Group, I stepped down from serving in our Children's Ministry,  and my husband stepped down from being a deacon in our church.  It was a stripped season in our lives.  With a new season on the horizon, I found myself committed to no particular ministry.  I do not think this was coincidence either.  This left me open to explore many different areas.  I needed to know for certain that the Stephen Ministry was where God wanted me to serve.  Everything He had spoken to me up to this point cried out an astounding “Yes!”

I was able to see how God was connecting more dots in my life.  My son’s illness led to homeschooling, which led to the softening of my heart toward how I spend my time, which led me to consider this ministry.  2 Corinthians 9:6 states, “He who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.”  I do not wish to sow and reap sparingly with my one precious life.  It became very clear to me that I was ready to sow bountifully into the Stephen Ministry.  After months of heart preparation, I dove right in with certainty and without hesitation!

Since then, I have spent nearly 6 months and 50 hours of completed training to become a Stephen Minister. I thoroughly enjoyed each and every moment of it and found the training essential in equipping me to serve in this capacity.  I am so thankful for the people who have supported me over the past six months and have allowed me to pursue this.  Without their help, it would not have been possible, and I am so grateful for all the ways God provided through them.  

And today I was commissioned at my church!  According to our training manual, "A Stephen Minister receives commissioning because it's considered a biblical practice.  When God has called people to a certain ministry, others in the church community would lay hands on them, pray for them, and send them out to do the ministry.  Through this commissioning, they asked for God's blessing on the ministry and the Holy Spirit's power and wisdom for the ministers.  The commissioning clearly communicated that the church supported the ministry and those who did it.  At the same time the ministers who were commissioned publicly stated their commitment to the ministry and their willingness to serve God and the church in this way.  These ministers showed that they accepted God's call to ministry and that they would serve in partnership with their fellow Christians."  Today's commissioning "formalized and solemnized (my) call to serve as a Stephen Minister."

This is an important day for me, and I feel so blessed to be part of this team and serve in this way.  Prior to first service I was so nervous and had butterflies in my stomach.  Partly because the older I get the more I realize how much I do not like being in the spotlight.  But also because I knew what this day and this commissioning meant.  To calm my rattled nerves I had to remind myself that this was not about me.  It was about a higher purpose...a calling.  In second service, one of our elders mentioned in his prayer that this ministry was all about God.  Exactly what I had been telling my heart that morning.  I love how He shows up, speaks, and reveals Himself to us in ways that are personal and tangible.

Less than a week after I completed my training, I was assigned my first Care Receiver.  I am already beginning to bountifully reap the blessings that have come through being obedient to His calling.  I know I am exactly where God wants me, and I look forward to all He has in store for me in the future.  I know He will not disappoint.

I dare you to do the same.  There are so many areas you can serve, and so many needs that are waiting to be fulfilled.  All of them significant in His kingdom.  You are needed and He has uniquely shaped you with gifts, abilities, passions, and a purpose to fulfill.  Seek out His will for you and be obedient to it;  I promise you will not regret it!

the bold and the beautiful

i never feel more ugly than when i am caught up in myself.  and i never feel more beautiful than when i am caught up in Him.

too often i've found myself tangled up in the words and actions of others, rather than being attached to the Words and Works of Him.  binding myself to the opinions and approval of those around and loosening myself from who God says I am. my fickle heart.

in Him is where life and living truly exists.  while He never changes, He keeps changing me.  this work not yet complete.  i give in to it.

when left to my own, my flesh spreads wide and dominates like disease.  but when keeping in step with the Spirit, His fullness overpowers and spreads wide victory over the battlefields that try to conquer within. and without.  i raise my white flag.

LORD, be bigger in my life than my greatest fears, failures, insecurities, difficulties, hurts and circumstances.  Be bold and beautiful in my heart, with grace-wave lapping over the rough and hard edges. until the smoothness of Your love polishes me up. pure and clean.

Wonder-work within and all around me.  i see glimpses daily.  a fresh display of holyworks that lights up the sky of my heart and leaves me breathless and shouting awe indescribable.  in color and strength i had never seen before, but only conjured up in dreams.  You are the dream giver.  making reality of them in our souls.  where none compares.

it's all too exhilarating to know that with each day that i live and draw breath, there will always be more of You to consume and discover.  breathe into me and make me come alive minute by minute, day by day, year by year, word by word, chapter by chapter until my already written life story is completely published and revealed.  all for Your glory. in every area i try to take over as author, edit over my error, blindness, and selfish, stubborn will.

You are the fount of living waters that never runs dry...but courses through like a river's current spilling in and out of us, refreshing all, and nourishing life of passion and purpose.  and oh is there life to be lived.  and fullness of it.  regardless of circumstance or journey, abundance waits to break loose around every cliff and corner.

desperation for You is my heart's desire.  show me more of Your glory.  lately, i find myself gasping and inhaling You in with a ravenous appetite, and You deliver.   You cook up a fine meal.  feeding and exhaling what's most fulfilling.  i feast on You and Your 5 star Word like a delicacy to be savored. chewing fast and meticulously every morsel of this God-breathed scripture and swallowing it down hard with the waters of Your truth.  with no reservation. and no shame in my gluttony.  anxious to digest and be satiated.  fatten me with more of You.  i want each and every holy and perfect crumb.

my bold and beautiful God, shape me into Your image, so that I may reflect You to a world that needs You as desperately as I.  never am I more confident and comfortable in my own skin than when my identity takes on Yours.

"My zeal for God and His work burns hot within me."

Psalm 69:9

"Your message burns in my heart and bones, and I cannot keep silent."

Jeremiah 20:9

"Those who look to Him are radiant; 
their faces are never covered with shame."
Psalm 34:5

today while eating lunch, i looked down at the table runner my mom had made for me a couple of years ago out of vintage valentine fabric.  one of the valentine's printed on the fabric read:

just take a teeny weeny bite of me, to help your appetite

then chew and chew and chew and chew

you’ll see how close I stick to you

isn't this just the way God works too?  each bite of Him and His word that we sink our teeth into, chew, and digest, becomes a part of us...sticking to us.  His bold and His beautiful.

the gracious receiver

We've all heard the cliche, "It's better to give than to receive."  This is true.  It's also easier to give than to receive.  Over the past couple of years I have been learning how to be a gracious receiver.  At times, this has been a painfully difficult thing to do.  It's not easy to ask for help.  It's not any easier to receive it.  We squirm in discomfort and avoid it for as long as we can.  It can be humbling.  And embarrassing.  Awkward and uncomfortable.  It's admitting we have a need.  Or many of them.  And in a self-sufficient, "pull yourself up by your bootstraps," "you're in charge of your own destiny" type of world we live in, it is pride-stripping as well.  Naked and vulnerable pride-stripping.  It can hurt the ego and pull shenanigans on your emotions.  There's the guilt and the self-condemnation.  The insecurity and the inadequacy.  The feared judgment. The indebtedness.  It requires bright red grace.  I'm trying.

You wrestle with the inability to look someone in the eye and find adequate words that go beyond just "thank you."  What your eyes and your heart long to convey, but can't seem to spell out.  A heartfelt hug that seems inefficient and lacking.  And how you long to express so much more.  How does one let another know the depths of such felt gratitude?  Too many times I feel it plastered all over my heart shouting out in bright reds, but words can only whisper it in subtle pale and smeared pasty pink. Thank you.

I'm not going to lie.  I cannot wait till the season in life comes where we can be on the other end of this.  Where we can be the ones blessing, and not just being blessed.  I long for those days.  I often dream about all the ways we can give and help others.  I'm certain that some day God will place us in a position to do so.  One day.  He will.

I understand that this season of gracious receiving will only better prepare us to have greater hearts of compassion for those in need.  So that in return we can be the gracious and generous givers.  When you experience lacking or find yourself in need, it builds compassion in you and a desire to help others.  Even if you had that desire before, you gain considerable depth.  You understand.  You've walked a similar walk.  You can't help but to help.  You want to bless back. You become more keenly aware of others in need and look for possibilities to meet those needs.  Instead of stumbling upon someone in need, you begin to scan and seek them out.  Your eyes gain perception and your vision expands beyond yourself, extending to the needs of those around you.  And you yearn to fulfill.  To give. While you can't do everything you'd like, you set out to use the gifts, abilities, and resources He's given you in the moment.  For they can still be used to benefit another, and will be good enough for the ones He chooses to place within your path.  I'm still learning.

During one of our last sessions of Stephen Ministry training a few weeks ago, we covered a section in one of our required reading assignments called, "The Grace to Receive."   If you are anything like me, and have experienced a long season of need, sit back and open your heart up wide for the following words.  They just might challenge your perspective.  Kenneth C. Haugk writes:

"Strange that Christians should find it difficult to be gracious receivers when we confess that our entire lives- physical and spiritual- are gifts of God's Spirit.  And although the Bible stresses giving, it also gives us examples of receiving."

"Christ showed us how to be gracious receivers when He allowed the sinful woman to anoint Him.  In fact, I think Jesus rather enjoyed receiving this gift.  He had forgiven the woman, and she wished to demonstrate her faith and gratitude.  Jesus and the woman shared an act of community that would not have been possible had He refused her ministrations."

"The Apostle Paul had a similar give-and-take relationship with the people of Philippi (Philippians 4: 10-20).  Paul gave to them; they gave to him: they both received from each other.  Paul highly valued self-sufficiency, but he could graciously receive gifts when in need.  Both giving and receiving were important to Paul and he participated comfortably in both."

"It is a general psychological and theological TRUTH that individuals have difficulty giving to others unless they have first received.  Scripture emphasizes this most clearly.  The first letter of John (1 John 4:7-21) stresses that we are able to love others only because we have first received love from Jesus Christ.  In 2 Corinthians 1:4 Paul tells us that we are able to comfort and help others only because Jesus has first comforted us."

"When Christians, then, give love and concern to others, they are sharing the love of Christ active within them.  And when we receive gifts of love from our brothers and sisters in Christ, we are in a real sense also receiving Christ."

Did you catch that?  This last statement stopped me in my tracks.  I never want to deny receiving Christ or anything He has to offer.  Refusing help or closing the door of opportunity to graciously receive is, in a way, rejecting Christ.  He uses His body of believers to be His hands and feet.  When we refuse them, in a sense, we refuse Him.

The author further explains, "The parable of the last judgment in Matthew 25:31-46 instructs us to feed people, give them something to drink, welcome strangers, clothe people, take care of sick persons, and visit prisoners.  And, Jesus takes time to emphasize, when we do this we are not only helping other people, we are also ministering to Jesus Christ Himself.  ("Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to Me.") So Christ is present in both the giver and the receiver, in both the act of giving and the act of receiving."

This shed new insight on the act and attitude of being a gracious receiver.  I'm so thankful that we were given a perfect example in Jesus Christ.  The story of the sinful woman who spilled tears and perfume on the feet of Jesus is one of the most touching stories in the Bible.  It tenders my heart and moves me.  Over and over again.  For I am just as sinful and in need of forgiveness as this woman ever was.  And I found the same Hope as she: Jesus.  Our perfect example of graciously giving and graciously receiving.

"When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating dinner at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at His feet weeping, she began to wet His feet with her tears.  Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them."

Luke 7:37-38

This woman was an outcast.  Unwanted and unwelcome.  A party crasher.  Scorned and rejected.  Inwardly broken and wounded.  But humbly, she put these things aside, sought out Jesus, and gave her everything to Him.  Lavished love upon Him the only way she knew how.  Poured it out as a fragrant offering of humility, gratitude, worship and adoration.  They say the alabaster jar of perfume she emptied onto His feet was most likely worth a year's salary...it probably represented all she was worth.  And she willingly and unabashedly gave it to Him knowing that what she was receiving in return had no comparable worth.  Blood red forgiveness.  Stark white salvation.  Perfect peace.  And pure Jesus.

You'd be shocked to hear of the ways God has moved in the hearts of others to provide for the needs of our family.  Too many examples to give.  Some too humbling to even share.  My heart screams inaudible gratitude.  If tears could spell words, I'd have a book written.  I want to be like this woman who gave and loved much.  Graciously receiving all Christ has for me.  Even when it comes through others that act as His hands and feet.  And in return, I hope to give all that I'm worth.  This life spilled out and lived for Him.  And to Him.  In the shouting and song of thanksgiving.  And grace bright red.

my cup runneth over

The first chapter in James is one of my favorite passages in the Bible.  We dove into this book during one of my previous Bible studies (Beth Moore's: Mercy Triumphs).  It also happened to occur at a time in life when we felt blown away by trial and hardship.  My son had been diagnosed with a chronic illness and had been in three different hospitals over the course of three weeks.  Life as we knew it was severely altered as we found ourselves adjusting to a new way of living.  I suddenly became a homeschooling mom of three trying to find balance, manage my son's health, and adjust to a new way of life in more ways than one, and with very limited resources.  Financially and circumstantially we were at our worst, and life seemed to be unraveling quickly.  We were left to do nothing but hold onto our faith as a thread of hope, and learn to trust God in all our weakness and lacking.

"Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so you may become mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:2-4

I had many moments where I was able to do this.  I could see the hand of God over and in and through our circumstances and I counted that as joy.  But those moments of joy didn't seem to "stick" as I went about my days and months and the hardship continued.  Yet, I was left no other choice but to persevere through it.  Some days, it was all I could do to just survive through a day without melting down into a puddle of doubt and discouragement.  I longed for the joy to move permanently into my heart and not just act as a guest coming and going at its own leisure.  I wanted to experience the joy in the midst of my circumstances and not just in hindsight view.

Even though our trials and difficult circumstances still exist today, the testing of my faith has built up spiritual muscle that is allowing me to view my life from a divinely different lens.  A perspective that is able to distinguish and value the gifts that are being gained from our low positioning.  And I wouldn't exchange this positioning for any "best earthly outcome," for the gifts are far richer and lasting from this posture.

"The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his high position..."

James 1:9

In the past I could look at this passage and only wonder and fantasize how this could really be true.  I now understand this verse to my core.  I've found that in our seasons of need we are given a blessed opportunity to see God moving and working in more recognizable ways than we would see in our plenty.  It's in our helplessness that He becomes more visible.  And isn't that what we all inwardly and deeply desire more than anything?  To see Him.  And to know Him.  More than we already do now?

The testing of our faith, the hardships, the suffering, and the trials, all give us an opportunity to have a front row seat to God's Big Show.  And what a display He makes when you are closest to the stage and part of His act.  With perseverance, it slowly becomes reality that your trials indeed make you mature and complete, not lacking anything.  For in Him, you find your everything.

My heart is so full.  I've been riding on a God-high for some time now.  Each day a new gracefall rains down on my heart.  Living waters.  Fountains found in Him.  Spirit alive and afresh.  Active and moving.  I may be "lacking" in an earthly sense, but I feel rich in spirit.  Perseverance leads to spiritual richness, which leads to hope, which leads to deepened belief.  It's a direct effect, and there is no way around it at times.  And when you believe God and His promises, and finally begin to take Him at His word, your trials appear to diminish as He becomes center-stage in your life.  And applause in Him drowns out the cry of worry and despair in you.

On a minuscule level, I got a taste of this today.  My husband has been away on a well-needed and deserved guys weekend up north.  The kids and I had a packed weekend with other weekend-widowed women and their kids.  There were the usual moments of stress found in taking on the tasks of single-parenthood for these past few days, but nothing unmanageable.  Even those moments were wrapped up in fun and activity and fellowship.  This morning on my way to church, I was feeling a bit of pride that I had successfully bathed and gotten all three kids and I ready and out the door with even a few minutes to spare.  I had time to get gas, but was going to have to forego my "plain black coffee with a splash of skim milk" Sunday Starbucks splurge.  While caffeine has a divine place in my life, it was nothing to lose heart over.

On the expressway my car urgently dinged and a light flashed on my dashboard indicating my tire pressure was low.  I was not even to the exit ramp when I heard the rumbling and felt the wobbling of flat tire to pavement, trying to flatten my spirit.  I managed to maneuver the car into crawling mode off the exit ramp and onto the main street (easy access to be rescued!) I was about to call a friend at church to see if she could come bail us out in our moment of distress, when a car immediately pulled up beside me and asked if we needed help.  I proceeded to call my friend, who wasn't available, while the car offering help pulled up in front of me on the shoulder of the road.  A nicely dressed man got out of his car and came over to the driver's side of mine.  He asked if I had a spare tire and offered to put it on for me.  By the way he was dressed, I assumed he was on his way to church and told him that I didn't want to make him and his family late if that was where they were heading.  He said they had just come from church and were off to run some errands.  Left with no other choice, I humbly and gratefully accepted.

While embarrassingly rummaging through the mountain of "stuff" that piled high in the back end of our car covering the spare tire compartment, the man told me that his wife thought I looked familiar.  She told him to ask me if I knew someone that she knew.  Turns out, I did.  It was her best friend of 15 years and a friend of mine who had gone to our church and was actually in our Home Group before her and her family moved away.  What a small world...(or rather, a Big God.)

Moments later, a police officer rolled up behind us and asked if we needed assistance.  He stayed there with us and chatted while the man worked off my deflated tire and proceeded to put on my rubber doughnut replacement.  Turns out, the police officer used to attend our church before moving to the north side.  In addition, the police officer's wife was the preschool teacher of the man's daughter.  We were all strangely connected in some way.  Coincidence? I think not.  The officer stayed with us the whole time.  He gave me a business card and offered for me to call the station and have him dispatched if I wanted him to follow me home or had any trouble along the way.  I felt thankful and well-taken care of.  Under the umbrella of His care.

I sat there on the side of the road counting this little mishap all as joy.  It totally put me in an even better mood than the one I was in when I walked out my door 30 minutes prior.  I marveled on the roadside and thanked God for this opportunity.  It gave me the chance to witness His hand moving in even these humble circumstances.  What the devil intended for harm this morning, God intended for good (Genesis 50:20).  It only boosted me up closer to Him, and better prepared me to walk into church with evidences of Him written all over my heart and my circumstance.  Belief strengthened yet again.  Joy in the midst...what I had been craving.

Trials, even the speed-bumps and flat tires of life, are perfect opportunities to drive us to God.  Through each one that comes my way, I'm learning to search Him out in the midst.  And the more I search, the more of Him I find (Jeremiah 29:13).  He's wonder-working everywhere if we just take on the eyes to see.

Testing leads to perseverance.  The Greek word for testing is "peirazo," which means, "to make proof of."  Our trials make proof of our God.  The Greek word for perseverance is "hupomone."  This means, "to abide under, to bear up under burden, remaining under."  When we faithfully persevere, we choose to trustfully remain under Him.  Our steadfast and staying power.

And as if I didn't need any more reason to count this all as joy, I walked into church 15 minutes late to find a coffee station set up and a full carafe calling out my name.

It's in the big, and the little, we are given the chance to "count it all as joy."

Today, my cup runneth over...