Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Letting Go...

I'm so tired. Today has been an exciting, emotional, exhausting day. Brayden's first day of kindergarten! I should be jumping up for joy- a proud mama...but the truth is I am filled with anxiety right now. I was doing well earlier today (thank you Karen and Becky R. -for your unexpected phone calls/pep talks and for your encouragement and validation)...but as the day progressed, so did my anxiety. I was ready for bed tonight at 9:00...when my head finally hit the pillow at 10:00pm...my mind started racing and I could not fall asleep. What better than to journal my thoughts to help sort out and process all that I am feeling. I'm having trouble letting go...

So, Brayden had a half day today and it went pretty well. He met his teacher and I was able to take him to his classroom and pick him up at his classroom a couple of hours later. When I asked how he did, his teacher said "He sure isn't shy; he needed a lot of reminders today." Then she followed up with the fact that this is new for everyone... At first I felt disappointment. These weren't exactly the words I was hoping to hear after day one. I know it's not a big deal, but as a parent, I do get sensitive when it comes to my babies. I pray that God will give me strength, grace and discernment when receiving feedback regarding my children. It's too easy to get offended and to react defensively. I have been praying for Brayden and his teacher, his class and his future friends all summer long. I know Brayden is active, playful and easily excitable. He loves to have fun! I love those things about him, (as exhausting as they can be). He's very much like his daddy...making the most out of life and enjoying it the whole way through...a natural optimist! I know these traits, when channeled correctly, will lead to drive, ambition, lofty goals and achievement.

And why so glum? Since I picked Brayden up from school today, I could sense that he was sensitive. I think it was a bit of stimulation overload. A smidge of regression and behavioral issues at home tonight manifested that overstimulation and transition were at the root of it all. We took it easy and tried to enjoy a low-key night at home with the family.

As the evening progressed, I felt more and more anxious. See, tomorrow he goes to school all day long- he has lunch there- and he takes the bus to and fro. He's still only 4! He's so small. Who is going to be there to tell him where to go, to remind him to use his manners, to give him a random kiss on the top of his head and a word of encouragement, to make sure he washes his hands, and eats all his lunch, to praise him and lovingly correct and guide him? What if he needs me? As I was making his lunch for tomorrow, it all hit me and the meltdown began...No major tears up until now -the floodgates were opened. It's going to be weird not making him pizza rolls for lunch tomorrow. They are his favorite. I'm having trouble letting go...

Nobody knows him like his mommy and nobody will love him like I do. I want to love on him all day long like I am used to. I am going to miss him sorely...so is Brooke; that's her buddy. Maybe we've made the wrong decision. Maybe he is not ready for all-day kindergarten. Am I forcing him to grow up too fast? Maybe he should be in half-day kindergarten. I want to protect and shelter him. It's hard leaving him in the care of others all day long- all week long. It's hard letting go...letting go of control, security, our normalcy.

I'm reminded of a Tenth Avenue North song called "Let it Go." It's one of my favorites on their CD. I've always been struck by the lyrics, but now even moreso. The chorus sings:

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go

And even as I sit here and sing the song in my head, I have to really ask myself if I am really trusting God right now? If I was, then perhaps this loss of control wouldn't be producing so much anxiety. I know He says He is everything I need, but am I living my life truly believing that and acting on that faith? That line of the song is pulling at my heartstrings a bit. And I ask who can love my son as much as I love him?...yet I know we have a Father who loves him more than I could fathom...I also know we have a Father who will provide for his every need even when I am not there. So, I need to work on letting go and letting God. I need to trust Him with this one...

2 comments:

  1. It is so hard to let go and trust God, especially when our babies are involved. I hope today is going better for you!

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  2. I am so praying that today was better for you, and for Brayden. I know that you have done such a great job raising him that he is gonna be just fine.

    It is hard to let go and let God - when you are letting go of someone else. ESPECIALLY your child. But you are right, HE loves B more than you can imagine. Trust THAT!

    LOVE YOU!!!!
    RS

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