Friday, November 21, 2008

Healing Hands

I just wanted to thank all of my dear friends and family for their support, love, encouragement, friendship and prayer over the past week. Thank you for your phone calls, emails, cards, books and resources. I'd say the majority of the women in my life have experienced a miscarriage; thank you for sharing your stories with me...for the hugs that say a thousand words and the shared tears. Thank all has helped me to properly grieve and heal. It has been quite an overwhelming blessing and my heart overflows with gratitude.

I never imagined a miscarriage could be so emotional and heartbreaking. I wasn't prepared for all of the emotions, and often was surprised at emotions I hadn't expected to feel so deeply. I always had empathy for those who have miscarried- but I couldn't have known or expected the bond and feelings that come along with it. My heart has learned a new kind of compassion.

The Lord has certainly shaped my heart through this all. There is a difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. God has shown me how precious life is- even at the smallest of stages. Psalm 139 has new meaning to me...

"...For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully
and wonderfully made,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in
the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be."

He's also loved me lavishly through this all- my sustainer and healer. Beautifully written by the prophet Isaiah:

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor,
and the day of vengeance of our God,
and PROVIDE for those who GRIEVE in Zion-
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of GLADNESS
instead of MOURNING,
and a garment of PRAISE
instead of DESPAIR.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of His splendor."
Isaiah 61:1-3

What comfort it brings to know that this life is now in heaven with our Father. (Meg, thank you for the beautiful depiction of your baby and mine together in heaven with Gramps, playing the "death grip")....I'll even add that Gramps is probably dancing around in a hula skirt welcoming these little lives HOME- glad to add them to the heavenly Ealy family. I smile just imagining this.

I found two things to be extremely helpful in getting though this loss.
1.) The acknowledgement that this was LIFE...not just a collection of cells...but life,
a developing baby, a life so important that it is now in heaven cradled in the Lord's arms.

2.) The acknowledgement that my grief was real. With this miscarriage, I didn't have anything tangible to show for it- no picture, no name, no memories, no gravestones (just love and dreams)
Yet- the loss was real and the grieving was real.

Validation of both these things brought healing.

Many have recommended that I do something to commemorate this life (journal, scrapbook, name the baby, buy something that will be a remembrance). I haven't decided exactly how I will do this, but I plan on doing something. Last week, I picked up a pocket cross with an engraved verse based on Isaiah 41:13 ("I will hold you always in the palm of my hand.") I carried it with me the entire week. It was a tangible reminder that I was in healing hands...the comforting, life-giving arms of the Father.

In addition, our Ladies Bible Study has been studying Beth Moore's "Breaking Free: Making Liberty in Christ a Reality in Life." I do believe that if I were to name this life, I would give the baby the name of Isaiah. The Bible study we have been working on the past couple of months has been richly based in the book of Isaiah. God's timing is not coincidental. Part of the "Breaking Free" is allowing God to HEAL you- binding up the broken hearted. Anything that breaks the heart needs healing only Christ can bring. I felt bathed in comfort and lavishly loved in the midst of my heartache- something I know only Christ could do.

I prayed over scripture cards and daily sought the filling of His spirit (something I should be doing regardless of life circumstance). He's healing me. There's still some tweaking needed though. Some people are "emotional eaters." I am not. I tend to lose my appetite and can't eat. Thankfully (and strangely) through this all, God still gave me an appetite. However, I have realized that I am an "emotional shopper." I guess it's a way to try to fill those holes and voids in life. It doesn't work. I still have to daily surrender and seek Him to fill all voids. I am a work in progress.

Journaling about my experience has been cathartic. I've always been a writer and have found journaling therapeutic since I was a young girl. I am ready to move on from this. I found out yesterday morning that my levels were at 13. From 900 last Monday, to 192 last Friday to 13. It was bittersweet to hear. Afterall, the goal is to get them lowered to zero so that we can move on and try again. But, hearing "13" was also a reminder and confirmation of the loss and brought unexpected tears. Hopefully, one more trip back to the doctor next week will be enough.

God promises to bring good out of anything we encounter as long as we love Him and allow Him to use it for His purposes (Romans 8:28). I already see some good that He has given and provided as a result of this. I look forward to discovering new ways His goodness will shine through. Until then, no matter how things seem to change, He remains...and I am in His healing hands.


  1. Oh, SuperModel ... I just love you soooooooo much! I cannot relate to a miscarraige, but I can relate to a loss. You are all in our prayers - You, Darcy, Brookie and Brayden ... AND Isaiah.

    I am here to talk, cry, scream, whatever you need. I am here!!!

  2. You are a stong, courageous lady. We love you. Keep taking it to Him.

  3. Amanda...............
    your words, your heart, they really put certain things into perspective for me. Thank you for sharing so intimatly. I too can relate and I praise God for giving each one of us that has dealt with this comfort and peace. I also pray that He holds you tight right now while you heal emotionally and physically. In His time, In His precious most beautiful time Lord willing He will give you that gift again. Sometimes it is hard to grasp but He had a reason and a plan for this, now you can look ahead for the great bigger plan and blessings He has for you and your family. Know that I am praying for you, with much love :)

  4. I've walked a similar road in a way that most people don't realize, but I have also learned that the hardest things to grieve are the losses that we don't tangibly see.

    I'm thankful for the healing and peace that the Lord has brought and will continue to bring to your heart.

  5. I am so sorry Amanda...Your words are so true though...that we learn a new kind of compassion when we go through something that is difficult. My second baby spent 10 days in the NICU and it was very was absolutely heartwrenching to leave the hospital without my baby. Now I am comforting a friend who gave birth to a baby with spina bifida and is in the NICU right now. Thank you for sharing your insights...they are beautiful.