Saturday, November 15, 2008

In the Palm of His Hand

Many know that Darcy and I have been trying for a third child! It's something we talked about and discussed for a L-O-N-G time before deciding to add on to the Schrieber clan.

I went in for my annual Monday and told the Doctor about my long cycles and how I was spotting all last week. My last period was October 22nd, and with 53 and 48 day cycles, it wasn't likely to be starting my period again so soon. She said she'd run a blood test to rule out pregnancy, but mostly to check my hormone levels and thyroid to make sure I was ovulating and "normal." By Wednesday, the spotting became really heavy bleeding so I called the Dr. and left a message (wondering if this was normal after an exam- or if this was a period and if so, do I count it as day 1 when trying to determine ovulation and my next cycle, etc.) The nurse called back and said normally they wouldn't think this bleeding was a problem, but that she looked at my lab work and it showed that I was pregnant- Beta level around 900, indicating I was around 5-6 weeks pregnant. I knew instantly that I was miscarrying. Wednesday was a very sad day. I am not angry, and I trust God, but I just wished that it didn't happen and my heart just aches. All day long the song "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord" echoed in my head... "He gives and takes away...Blessed be the name of the Lord, Blessed be Your glorious name." Thank you Lord for the two beautiful miracles you are currently blessing me with. Strangely there is joy amidst sorrow.

I went in on Friday for more bloodwork so that they could check to see that my Beta levels were lowering to confirm the miscarriage. I must admit that all day Friday there was a small part of me that was clinging onto a little bit of hope that a miracle would happen and the baby would survive. I even imagined that if this were so- this baby would prove to be stubborn and a fighter! Friday evening as the bleeding persisted, it hit me that this was highly unlikely.

This morning my Doctor called and informed me that my levels have dropped to 192, confirming the miscarriage. I know miscarriage is common, and I see ways the Lord has protected and provided, but it still isn't easy.

I looked up fetal development to see how far along I was and this is what I found for week 6:

My Heart Belongs to You! The first heartbeats have begun! The baby is now an embryo and is about 1/17 of an inch long. Growth is very rapid this week. The umbilical cord develops. The eyes and ears begin to form as well as an opening for the mouth. The heart has begun to pump blood and most of the other organs are well under construction. Buds form on the body that will become the arms and legs.
Exciting week!

How precious life is!

Ironically, I always joked that if I were to get pregnant I would not want to know until I was 5-6 months pregnant (to make it all go faster). Be careful what you wish for... I would embrace every moment if given this opportunity again.

A close friend recommended journaling my feelings. I know this is personal information I am disclosing...but this blog is about me, my life, my experiences, my joys and my sorrows, my valleys and my mountaintops. I find this cathartic and hope it is a way to bring closure.

My thoughts so far:

I wish I would have known I was pregnant! I truly wish I would have known- I would have even taken 5 minutes of joy before the sorrow. When talking to Darcy, I compared it to getting married (something you dream of and long for) and then having your new spouse die shortly after. Would you rather they died the day of the wedding, or a few weeks later? Of course you would take every moment of joy you were allowed- even with the knowledge of tragedy around the corner.

Finding out I was pregnant and miscarrying at the same moment was extremely difficult. I have been desiring you for a long time now. My heart and mind have dreamed what life would be like with you in it before we even made the decision to start trying…an addition to our family, how the dynamics would change….the joy you would bring with all your “newness”…seeing your daddy fall in love with you for the first time (he is so good and gentle with babies…a natural)…how Brayden and Brooke would love and respond to you as “big“ brother and sister….what we would name you…I was certain that I was going to be able to sign this year’s Christmas cards with “Darcy, Amanda, Brayden, Brooke and Baby ?" (I make our Christmas cards each year and have already started the ones I am sending out this year. I am actually pregnant in the photo we are using this year- but obviously didn't know it. I am having trouble bringing myself to work on them lately.) I would have gladly welcomed as many moments of joy knowing you existed before you were welcomed into heaven.

Through this all, I am trusting God with all my heart (Proverbs 3:5-6). I trust His plans for my life (Jeremiah 29:11). Although I feel like doing nothing more than hibernating, I am hopeful about the future.

I found a verse that brings much comfort to me:

“I will hold you always in the palm of my hand.” Isaiah 41:13

I feel that is what the Lord is doing with me right now. He is sustaining and comforting me…reminding me that I am not alone and that I am loved. And while he is holding me up, I also imagine Him in heaven holding tiny little you in the palm of His hand as well. I will always think of you when I read this verse and I’ll be reminded of what a great, mighty and loving God we have….big enough to hold us both in the palm of His hand.


  1. Amanda...I am so sorry for your loss. Your grief is real, that I know for sure. This DEC 22nd will be one year since I lost baby Joy. The emotions are great and very very hard.

    It was recommended to me to name our baby and to make something to remember our a garden stone. These things did help.

    You will certainly be in my prayers.

    Maybe baby Joy and your sweet little one are now dancing in Heaven together. :) It comforts me to know that she is in the arms of Jesus. He is the grandest Father I know. :)

    I love you. If you need to talk or vent or cry or anything at all, I am hear.

    There are some posts on my blog regarding my feelings and emotions at the time if you are interested. You should just have to type in Miscarriage or Joy and you will probably find it. Not sure if it will be helpful, but thought I would let you know.

  2. Aww, Amanda (& Darcy, Brooke & Brayden too)- I am so very sorry for your loss. I love how you can still praise God and be comforted by him while you grieve. If there is anything we can do please let us know.
    (Kelli for all the Dexters)

  3. Oh, SM, I am hugging you from accross the country.  I wish I could be there for you right now.  I love you so much and I am soooooo sorry for your pain.  What you wrote is so absolutely beautiful, I know that it will be painful, but ever helpful, for you to look back at this in the future.You are right, Baby S is in His arms now, but someday you will be tho one holding that little one again.I love you!!!RS

  4. Oh sweet Amanda, my heart grieves with yours. I am so heartbroken over your loss. Yet from your brokeness you affirm that God is good and that He is big enough even for this. Thank you so much for your vulnerability and for sharing this piece of your journey.

    He indeed holds your precious one - and though the ache in your heart may not understand - there is no more perfect place in all of creation for your cherished child.
    I am so sorry for the pain you & your family are experiencing in this season...know that we too are praying for you, Darcy, & the kids.
    With much love and big hugs

  5. Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

  6. Amanda, thank you for your openness and honesty. I know it hurts and I'm sorry for you pain and your loss.

    We love you and are praying for you!