Saturday, March 21, 2009

nothing

ready to turn in for the night. tuck in and check on my babies one last time and the guilt hits me like a brick. pretty much a perfect day. nothing planned. family day. no agenda. all feeling a little better. ready to venture out of the house for a bit. spent quality time together.
BUT...at one point i just lost my cool. darcy had run out for a minute. the kids were antagonizing one another. one of them did something they really really know they should not do. and my temper got the best of me. i yelled (screamed), slammed doors, threw something...everything i try to teach my kids not to do when they get angry. i completely let my anger get the best of me and really became out of control. not the mom i desire to be. a different breed all together. this is supposed to be a house of love. a safe place. i am supposed to be a role model, example, blueprint for my children and in one brief moment, i felt like i blew it. i did blow it. really. children remember these things. they model these behaviors. they live what they learn. what am i teaching them? lately, i have felt horrible physically. now I feel better physically, but spiritually not so hot. i look down at my sweet little one sleeping peacefully and i am reminded that it only takes a minute to cause destruction. to cross the line. to lose it. to let satan get a foothold. say/do something you'll regret. and you can't take it back. the damage is done. not trying to beat myself up. i apologized, asked for my child's forgiveness, prayed together, admitted my wrong, pointed out what i should have done instead, a better way to handle anger. but still, wrong choices can haunt you. i feel like i need to keep asking for forgiveness, like my first heartfelt prayer wasn't enough. you know that feeling when your heart feels heavy and you just feel so disappointed in yourself? ashamed? i could easily blame it on the fact that i have been sick and worn down, i am pregnant and hormonal, but where do excuses get me? they only allow me to hide behind what needs to be exposed and confronted. let me never forget that i am sinful and flawed to the core. i am completely and utterly nothing without God in my life. i need his strength, his peace, his direction, him. hungry, i come to him. fill me with all that you are lord. till it overflows and desperately drowns me and all of my nothingness. i can't do this on my own. i am thankful tomorrow is a new day. new mercies. needed mercies. bring them on.

3 comments:

  1. Oh Amanda - don't be so hard on yourself! It happens to everyone one of us! Do you remember when I called you crying - Dennis was out of town, and I did the same thing you did? I completely lost it, yelled at Jackson - and the look he gave me just broke my heart. I still think about it sometimes. But I apologized, and explained even mommies make mistakes. That is the best thing you could have done - to acknowledge it, and say that you are sorry. You are teaching them that EVERYONE makes mistakes sometimes, and you are teaching them how to handle it when they make mistakes, which they will! They will be better for it - to know that it is ok to mess up sometimes, as long as you realize you did someone wrong, and to apologize and pray about it. You are the best mother I know!! I really mean it...I look up to you, you are so spiritual, and I aspire to be that good too. I love you, and remember you can always call to vent or talk or just cry!! It is HARD to be pregnant with two young ones...so take it easy on yourself...

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  2. I love you ... and, ummm yeah, me too ... every stinkin day.

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  3. His mercies are new EVERY morning!

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