Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Struggling...

We've had our house listed with a realtor since November...not one showing until a week ago. We've had to repeatedly drop the price of our home far below what we paid for it and what we still owe on it. It's amazing to see what the going rate for 4 bedroom Colonials in Macomb are going for these days. A little over a week ago, our house listing price dropped once again to accommodate this trend. What did it produce? 14 showings in one week, and 3 offers (with a couple more anticipated to be on the way). While this in many ways is a good thing, it also provides a rather sickening feeling...a feeling that we are "giving" our home away, or that someone is "stealing" it at the price it is being offered. A wave of emotions floods over me daily when I think about all of this....anger, sadness, depression, numbness. I find myself stuffing down the feelings and really struggling to find the joy and the blessings in this all.


Yesterday we met with our realtor and accepted one of the offers. We are intending to do a short sale (because the house is no longer worth what we owe on it- based on the economy, etc,..and we must get out of it to begin paying off this debt we accumulated over the lost Curves business.) Accepting the offer was bittersweet. There are still many details that must take place before anything is approved with our bank/mortgage company. Apparently the average short sale takes approximately 120 days before approval. There is also a high rate of "short sale buyers" walking away because of the lengthy timeframe to finalize the approval and sale of a home. These are all areas we cannot control and must place in God's hands and let Him work through the details.


With the acceptance of this offer, it is just making the reality of our circumstances stand out fiercely. Since the news of these offers on Sunday, reality is crushing over me and becoming overbearing. I am not doing well with this at all. Part of it may be pregnancy hormones making "life" more difficult to cope with, I don't know. I just don't want to lose my home. I really do not want to go. We are moving in with my in-laws indefinitely (the goal to be moved before the baby is born- within the next 4 to 6 weeks). I feel like I just need some timelines, a plan, some answers and some sort of hope for our future. The day we will have our own home again seems so far away in the distance that the thought of it presses so heavy on my heart it feels suffocating and I can't hold back the tears. I probably shouldn't be "airing out" our dirty laundry on a public blog, but I just am hoping for some sort of cathartic release from all of this (and perhaps some additional prayer).

It just seems like a lonely place to be. I find myself stuffing and suppressing feelings because I don't want to make Darcy feel any worse than he already does. He is the provider and in many ways feels like he has failed. He has not. So, I am trying to be strong (trying) to save him from feeling any worse. And, I can't really express my feelings with his parents because we are moving in with them...they have been doing a lot of prep-work and accommodating to make room for us to live there. I know there are many sacrifices they are making to allow a family of 5 to take over. And while I am very grateful for this, any released feelings of depression I worry may come across that I am unappreciative and ungrateful that they are doing so much to accommodate our entire family.

I don't want to lose our home. There is so much I am going to miss. And not knowing when I will have my own home again makes it worse. I am a homemaker, and as much as I try to base my identity in Christ and my purpose in His kingdom, the earthly side of me feels like a piece of my identity is being stripped away or lost. I am home every day- taking care of the kids, the house, the meals, my family. I think it would be different if I worked outside the home. I know we will not be homeless, but there is a level of comfort that will never be met when you live in someone else's home. I am already grieving that level of comfort and privacy as well as the "stamp" you put on your own home (with the furniture, decor, and style that reflects you and your family).

When the anxiety creeps in, I feel it physically come over my body....loss of appetite, faster heartbeat, the need for air, the desire to run away. I keep telling myself that I need to follow Phil. 4:6-7- unload the anxiety and pray about everything. Yet, I find myself retreating alone and trying to suppress and hibernate. I know I need to have a thankful heart and remember the many blessings I have in my life. There are much more important things in life than a home. We have a baby girl coming into this world in less than 6 weeks...I do have the health of my children and family, a strong marriage and a husband who still has a stable job and income. It's easy to pit-dwell. I have been doing so well up until now. I am actually surprised at how I unwell I am handling this and wasn't expecting this. Reality is here and I just don't like facing it. I'm struggling. We have had showings in our home every day for 9 days straight. 2 more tomorrow too. Just because we have an offer doesn't mean that we should stop showing or accepting offers (so we have been advised). Being 8 months pregnant, taking care of two little ones, and trying to maintain a "show-ready" house daily is physically exhausting...add that to the emotional stress and I am beginning to feel depleted. I'm so glad that His mercies are new every morning- because I am desperate for them daily. Thanks for letting me share.

8 comments:

  1. Amanda, I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I know that your home is a huge part of your identity, you are an awesome Homemaker/Mother. I have to believe that God has a bigger and better plan for your family, something he has just not revealed to you yet. A good friend once told me something wise, "home is where your family is." I've tried to remember that through our ups and downs. Maybe it will give you some peace right now. You are always in my prayers.

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  2. what jill said is soooo true !
    thanks for sharing your deepest thoughts, i will be praying for you in the next few weeks and for the house to go thru quickly. God is GOOD and will hold you during this time, give all over to Him, He will carry you thru this.
    with love
    steph
    hopefully we will see you at reunion !!

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  3. I just wish I could hug you right now and protect you from all of this. I know the feelings you are going through with losing the house, but cannot imagaine how hard it is pregnant too.

    I love you and am here for your venting needs 24/7!

    Love you!

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  4. Awww,Amanda- I'm praying for you. God is holding you in his hand.

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  5. Oh, Amanda, I'm so sorry for your current struggle. It's obvious that you feel overwhelmed. I can relate to losing your home to a "short sale". I felt very similar when we had to sell ours, after all that we put into it. Don't lose heart...God doesn't waste our time or our pain! Hugs and love to you!

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  6. I love you Amanda and am sending a HUGE hug your way and lots of prayers for you. I like and agree with what Jill said,"that God has a bigger and better plan for your family and something he has just not revealed to you yet." I love you!!!!

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  7. Thank you so much for your vulnerability and openess - it is so tempting to hide away when we struggle. But I am so glad you have shared how your heart is dealing with this trial.

    I just want to reassure you (though I know the counselor in you knows this) that it is okay for you to grieve this loss. A home is a sanctuary for a family...and the unrest this creates is real. Especially on the brink of a major life change like having a baby.

    When we first graduated college in May of 06, we were broke and naive, with a baby coming in September. We moved home to Ohio from Indiana in August with no jobs, and only the hope that everything would fall into place before the baby came. God didn't move in the way we thought he would...we had to wait for his provision. In the meantime, we had to lean on our family to help us by allowing us to live with them. This was very humbling...we felt like kids who couldn't make it on our own, though we desperately wanted to. We felt ashamed like everyone thought we were so irresponible or incompetent. And we felt alone often, though we were surrounded by people who loved us. It was really hard. But in retrospect, God knew exactly what He was doing...we just couldn't see the bigger picture.

    It was sooooo hard for me to feel the loss of control and like we didn't have a home for over a year and a half. I experienced much of the emotion you describe. My heart is most alive creating a home and nurturing my family. I felt like this was stripped and a piece of my heart had to be supressed or die just for me to get by without feeling depressed all the time.

    Even now, on the other side, I still struggle because we still do not have a "home"...our rental is so nice & the price was perfect to allow us to achieve financial freedom. But I can't paint. Its not my style. We're so cramped...I never ever feel like we are home. I still feel like we're vacationing in someone else's condo.
    I've mourned at times the thought that once again we're bringing a baby home with no nursery. I long more than anything to create a beautiful space for this baby...but once again our little crib/dresser/ will be squeezed into a corner. I dream of the color scheme and the light coming through the window of this space I wish I could create. But alas, it must wait...Though, I know that when we do find a place to buy, it will have been well worth the sacrifice of the last 2 years. But still my heart grieves what I feel is lost in the immediate. Then I struggle with guilt for not being grateful for the amazing way that God has provided for us...or the blessings that we enjoy that most of the world could only dream of.

    So I say all that to say, you are not alone. I am praying that you will be able to see this time as a season...and that during this season you will find ways to express your creativity..find ways to make your space at your in-laws uniquely yours, but that most of all, God would mold, shape, and refine you through the simplicity of this season. That he would turn your heart toward His and open your eyes to His kingdom in ways that you have never experienced. And for your family I am praying that God give you endurance to tackle this obstacle of debt, patience as you wait on Him to restore you, discipline as you sacrifice the here and now for a healthy future, perspective as you continue to walk in obedience.

    I know that when this season is over you will be overwhelmed at the way that God loved you through it, and how much you needed to learn exactly what he taught you during the most difficult times. Not always fun or enjoyable, but so necessary...think of it as training...or as 'pruning' so that you can produce good fruit that brings joy and life.

    I know the next few weeks are going to be crazy for us both, but we really should get together. Our hearts seem to echo the same themes.
    I am praying for you.
    so much love to you,
    erica

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  8. Amanda, we have only met but once or twice. And I rarely read your blog. But each time I do I have been led to it through some divine provision of God. As I read your inner most thoughts and feelings I weep. I weep because I am touched by your pain, because life is soo hard and also because I too have had disappointments and moments of complete disenchantment with this life. Yet, we were not made for this world, you and I. No my dear! We were made to dwell, and abide in Him - forever. As you are being crushed, and broken into this unfeeling powdery exhistence Never forget sweet sister that you are now and forever His. And you ARE STILL CLAY. And HE WILL take these ashy, dustlike parts of yourself moisten them, hold and caress them, and remake you into something so much more. God bless you sweetie. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

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