Thursday, December 9, 2010

hanging by a thread...

This past week has been more than just a battle of the heart and mind. It's been war...and probably the darkest time I've ever experienced spiritually. For 16 months I've been pressing on through difficult life circumstances, pursuing Him, praying fervently, choosing joy and finding thanksgiving despite the trials and the giants before us. The past 6 months have been the rockiest...riddled with worry, trust, anxiety, hope, unknown, hurt, excitement, discomfort, dependence like we've never seen, and faith like we've never experienced. Life. has. been. HARD. And a week ago, I felt like I was losing the battle. That my heart was raging war against my mind, with a sword of deceit, trying to cut the small tiny thread I have been so desperately hanging onto.

For days I haven't been able to articulate what I've been feeling. My mind feels jumbled. My heart a bit crushed. My spirit broken. I'm distracted. Preoccupied. Confused. Just days ago, these words bled out of my weakened spirit, painting a portrait of an "amanda" I've never known...

You say You'll never leave me or forsake me.
It doesn't feel like You're here;
I feel abandoned.

You say when I am weak, You are strong.
I'm weary;
I don't feel carried.

You say You deliver the righteous man from His troubles
Why do I feel crushed down?
I don't see deliverance.

My 5 year old asks, "Mommy, when are you going to feel better?"
I don't know
and the tears are everflowing...more countable than the minutes in the day.

My burdened heart is turning to You,
yet I feel no comfort.

I'm angry and forgotten;
where does my help come from?

Yes me of little faith,
turning to Your word,
yet struggling to believe it all true...for me.

Show me how to praise You
when my world is caving in.

You claim those who look to You
are radiant,
Yet I feel dark and sullen.

It doesn't feel like You are FOR me;
I don't hear You, or feel You, or see You.
I cry out into nothing
but empty unresponsive space.

I feel unheard.
Forgotten.
Empty.
Lifeless.

This roller coaster ride of life is supposed to have it's ups & downs, but this ride I'm living seems to only be going down. Some days faster and steeper than others, but all the while, I'm still waiting for the thrill of "up." It seems bad news is lurking around every corner. The trials are unceasing. If my child were crying out to me in despair, I'd run to him. I'd sprint. If my child were hurting or in need, I'd rush to her side. With arms wrapped tightly around her. Where are you? Do you hear my cries?
The silence is so loud.

Increase my faith.
I search and wrestle.
The wait it seems so long.

If only I knew where to find You?
Come.

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"
~Jeremiah 17:9

I don't understand it...but I'm thankful You intentionally included this in Your Word, because what my heart is feeling, feels so real. It's overpowering. It's persuasive and convincing. It might not be true...but it FEELS so true. My head knows one thing, but my heart is telling me otherwise. So I am clinging onto Your Word, even though the truth of it feels so distant. It's my lifeline. My hope.

I've experienced You as my daily bread, my living water...my necessity and sustenance. I want to experience You as an extravagant delicacy. Lavish me with You. Let me taste Your goodness.

So where am I today? I'd like to say that with a flip of the switch my tiny little thread has grown into a mighty rope or chain securely anchored to it's source...but I'm not there. A dear friend did remind me to "Hang in there, if even by a thread...because that's all God needs and He will not let go." And slowly, day by day, this tiny little thread is being strengthened by layers of prayer, fibers of truth, knots of encouragement, and unexpected "extras" that have provided grip to my grasp.

Pressing on. Holding on. Persevering.

4 comments:

  1. Just keep hanging on Amanda! There are so many praying for you. God will not let you go.

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  2. Oh loved one, I so relate to much of what you've said. I wish I knew why He allows us to feel alone, forgotten, ignored, betrayed...at times even by Him. I do not know though I've asked Him a zillion times. Just keep believing, even with just that little frayed thread, that God is who He says He is despite how it looks or feels. He knows that we are dust. We weren't made for this, so He knows it's hard to be us in this world.

    "He gives and takes away...my heart will choose to say, blessed be the name of the Lord."

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  3. Oh Sweetie - I wish I had the words to tell you that it will be OK. I know there are many saying that, BELIEVING that, but it is not always what you want to hear. I am standing in the gap for you, believing that He is holding you and loving you. You will get through this. He will CARRY you through this. Even if you do not feel his arms holding you, know that they are there. Someday you will look back on this and see that the footprints in the sand were His and not your own. It's hard to cling to someday when you are not feeling it now, but know that He is there.

    Love you and I am here anytime!

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  4. Wishing I had the words to inspire, to infuse faith and hope. I struggle so often as of late with my own scrawny threads of belief as I try to persevere. So with all the the love & empathy of one that is walking a parallel road of the heart - I say this: I love you. I know that Jesus is holding onto you (us) even when our faith fails. Forsakeness, abandonment - Jesus even took on this in his humanity...felt it with his dying breaths. He believed it to be true, though he was never forsaken by his Father. When we are weak, we are strong, and it is in our weakness we see the greatest potential to do some God-size shining. Sometimes it is stripping. Stripping to the point that we are bone naked and wonder if we will ever grow skin again. I pray we are able to lean into this season, to depend on HIm & allow his Spirit to do the work when we are too weary of heart to even pray. Fighting for you, my friend. Fighting for your family. As BeckyJo said, I know you will emerge from this season, praising Him for the sacred lessons of the wilderness, as He tenderly nourishes you in the season of sanctuary. Until then, we are here. To walk alongside you, even when its a stumble and a limp. You are NEVER alone. *HUG*

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