Monday, March 5, 2012

As the night grew closer to morning, so did the weariness that stirred within. I cried myself through the entire ride home from the hospital tonight with a lump in my throat the size of Texas, tears that would not cease, and a pain in my heart that seemed unbearable. Sobs. The kind you choke back and try to silence because you don't want your little girls to worry and you want to stay strong for them, but inside you feel you are falling apart. Unable to see the light at the end. Feeling as if our problems are mounting with no hope at all.

And then we arrived home, to a vacant, eery, quiet house...and through tear-stained eyes, I opened the door and was immediately greeted with the smell of a home-cooked meal that permeated the air from a shiny red crockpot that sat upon my kitchen counter, courtesy of a friend who loves deeply. The countertops were decorated with bags of groceries. The fridge stocked with even more. I checked my facebook messages and found an overwhelming army of support, love and prayer that perked my spirit and put a little strength into my backbone. After putting my sweet girls to bed and spending 35 precious minutes of heart-pouring conversation on the phone with a friend, I felt comforted. I dug into a delicious meal that warmed my stomach as well as my heart and I felt loved.

I reflected on the day...the answer to prayer in finding more direction toward the cause of Brayden's illness...the unexpected arrival of my sister, niece, nephew and mom as they walked into Brayden's hospital room this afternoon...the flood of tears and emotion that too easily broke loose and rushed out of me with the simple touch of a mother's much needed hug. Comfort. Heaven's gates stormed on our behalf. Family close. Friends nearby. All available to help and aid at the drop of a hat, and I was overcome with emotion.

After a bowl of beef pot roast, potatoes, and vegetables (one of my favorite comfort foods), and a sampling of homemade soup, I started to put away our "gift of grocery" and found a bag of mini oreos, opened them, and an unexpected smile painted across my face. It took me off guard. I dug in for 2nd's and 3rd's and caught that same smile reappearing. And suddenly, something inside whispered to me "everything is going to be alright." I felt the hopelessness fading, the stress a bit relieved, and the strength slowly returning.

Feeling as if maybe God has allowed this very thing to happen to us to show us how very loved we are. Gift giving: one of my love languages. I love to be the giver, the one being the blessing. Much more humbling to be on the receiving end. But perhaps this was all part of His perfect plan. To make me mature and complete, not lacking anything. To make beauty of my soul. I'll accept and receive that.

I end tonight exhausted, depleted, yet feeling blanketed in comfort, hopeful in tomorrow, and strengthened in faith.

Thank you. For being His hands and feet for us.
Good night.

1 comment:

  1. Keeping you all in my prayers, Amanda. I'm so sorry Brayden is going through this again. I hope it is over soon, and you get some much needed answers. Oreos do make everything better for just a few minutes.