Wednesday, March 28, 2012

My spirit is quiet tonight. My tongue can hardly say a word but my heart is screaming much. Disbelief that my boy is back in the hospital. I was hardly prepared for this to happen so soon. Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. A vicious illness that plagues so few yet impacts so deeply. Many families returning to the hospital every couple of weeks. Something, even after diagnosis, I didn't think would happen to ours. Not sure I can bear seeing my son go through this again. And again. And again. Certain God will see us through, and not feeling the need for such tangible evidence of Him and His work this time because it was so gloriously shown before...in a way that destroys all doubt and confirms that He indeed is for us. These truths don't need to be relearned as they are forever engraved on my heart. But yet...this heart is struggling to smile tonight. Fear creeping in that "normal" life as we once knew it is no longer. Perhaps this is our new normal. Hospitals. Life interrupted. Normalcy taken. Nights slept in my bed alone again. Husband and son one way. Wife and daughters another. Days and nights divided. Missing my girls. Numbness. Surrealness. Family unit ripped apart momentarily. Simple things we looked forward to, being stripped away, passed over, and put on the back burner once again...like going to the gym and getting back on track physically, attending bible study and being filled spiritually, watching American Idol on a normal Wednesday night, celebrating birthdays and babies about to be born, missing out on these occasions...and girls' nights out and guys' nights out...events that refresh and allow the stress of the world to take back seat for a moment. Disappointed that this episode wasn't as short-lived as once hoped. But yet requiring hospital admittance, another pediatric intensive care unit, juggling of other kids and dance and school and drop offs and pickups. Right when I thought I was finally making my way back to normal...that we all were, I'm realizing that my plans really aren't my own. Makes me want to forget the messy house, the overdue catch up homework, the piles...and just spend this life living in the moment, without responsibilities hanging overhead, but with joy and memory-making being sought after. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. So, tonight I will bank on that strength and the new mercies that are sure to arise with the coming of tomorrow's sun.

4 comments:

  1. Oh Amanda! Speechless. hugs and prayers!

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  2. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this again so soon. I have no doubt that your unyielding faith will get you and your family through this. Praying for you guys.

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  3. Amanda, You don't know me. I stumbled on your blog one day and felt that I was reading a kindred spirit. Another mom who's going through life and trying to grow closer to God and family and be the best she can be. I have wanted to comment on posts before, but this time I'm taking the courage to do so. Please know that I've added my prayers to those of all your family and friends. Prayers for you and for your little boy. God bless you all.

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  4. No words are adequate enough right now, so all I will say is I stand with you my friend. I love you and will pray for you, Darc, Bray and the girls unyieldingly.

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